Chapter 61
EUGENE
I walked into the house as soon as the car drove out. I can’t really put to words how I was actually feeling. I walked into my living room and i imagined Lusani doing as he pleases and acting like me in my own damn house. I looked around and I spotted an empty whiskey glass plus a bottle of my all-time favourite whiskey on the same table. I looked at that and shook my head, so the boy was also drinking my favourite drink. i walked to the cupboard in my dining room and took out another whiskey glass. George walked in at that second
George:” he is in there…here are the keys” he handed me the keys and I took them
George:” uhm boss, I just want you to know that I was only following him because you ordered all of us to do so….you gave a signal and said that he was in charge and we all had to follow him, otherwise I would never have betrayed you” he said while fidgeting with his fingers, he was nervous and that’s what was expected of him, I was still his boss anyway
Me:” it’s okay George, now everyone will know that the boss is back” I said that and poured myself a glass full of whiskey. He looked from me to the glass and just blinked
Me:” anything else?” I wasn’t looking at him
George:” not at all, I will be outside” I nodded and he left my site.
I downed the glass all at once and I didn’t even feel the bitter burning taste of it as it made its way down my throat. I then went to the drawer and took out my cigar collection. I came back to the sofa and sat down. I took one cigar and lit it and then pulled on it and then blew out some smoke. I visited the memories of when I found Lusani and how I raised him. I kept asking myself what did I do wrong to this boy? I did to him what Rod did to me. I raised him the exact same way that Rod raised me; I loved him the same exact way that Rod and Stacy loved me. Yes I was hard on him most of the times because Rod was hard on me too most of the times and it was the hardships that he made me go through that groomed me into a strong powerful man I was. I never took offence on anything that Rod did to me, in fact I never thought of killing him or punishing him for whatever pain he might have caused me. Instead I had only seen him as my hero, someone to look up to and someone who actually saved me and made me who I was. I expected Lusani to feel the same; I didn’t expect him to react this way…to go to an extent that he went to. The boy literally opened Andani’s tummy and ripped my baby off her. yes I was one heartless a** and I had cut people more than I could ever count but that was my story, that was my addiction, something I couldn’t live without doing but even I had an exception. I had never ever done anything to an innocent child or thought about it for that matter. I didn’t understand what must have been going through his mind when he decided to do what he did, even a monster like myself couldn’t have gone to such length to hurt someone, I would never have done that to a pregnant woman. The fact that Lusani extended his hand to such great length is what really got me worried. I could try and forgive him and consider moving on and maybe beg Andani to forgive him but then what? What do I do with the animal that I had just raised and that had once tried to have me killed?
I sat on that sofa for a long time and then someone walked through the door. I looked towards the door and it was Stacy
Me:” you are supposed to rest” even with a glass of whiskey that I just drank I was still feeling okay…well as okay as someone who was in my shoes can be
Stacy:” I couldn’t”
Me:” Stacy I will be fine, if it makes you feel better then get one of the rooms here and sleep in it” I said that and got up
Stacy:” and now?” she had her worried face on and as much as I hated it I also loved it, I loved how she cared about me…it made me feel 15 again
Me:” I am going to spend some minutes with him”
Stacy:” you’re sure you want to do that?”
Me:” I have to understand why he would hurt me like this”
Stacy:” okay, I am coming with you and I will wait at the door”
Me:” the way you are carrying on right now makes me think that you doubt my ability to deal with this on my own Stacy. I appreciate you fussing over me, especially because I haven’t seen you in years but right now you need to trust the fact that you and Rod raised a man who can deal with situations like this, so let me” she breathed loudly
Stacy:” okay, I will get a bedroom”
Me:” cool” I went to my kitchen and opened the drawer.
I looked at all the knifes inside. I thought of all the things I could do to him with these knifes. I closed the drawer and walked over to the stairs and all the way up and to the room where Lusani was being kept. I got there and unlocked the door and walked in. lusani was sitting at the far corner of the room. The room had one chair inside, few ropes and a table. I closed the door and locked it and put the keys inside my pockets. I looked at him and wanted to just kill him but then I couldn’t kill him without knowing something. I was a man of pride and I knew for a fact that I wasn’t going to be able to move on with my life with my pride still intact if I wasn’t sure about whether Lusani was better than me. Did I raise him to be better than I was? I mean I used Ndivhuwo’s help to get out of jail; although I managed to kill the guys who were sent to kill me…I still had a point to prove.
I stood there against the wall and looked at a boy I once called a son and a brother.
Lusani:” just kill me already, where are the knifes? Are you going to cut me piece by piece until I bleed to death? Or you plan on toying with me and torturing me for a little longer? Just do whatever you want already” he screamed as he said the last part
Me:” is that what you think I want to do? Kill you? Everyone else wants me to do it but Lusani I took you in and raised you….what I want right now is an answer”
Lusani:” is this some sick joke? You don’t do discussions with someone who betrays you”
Me:” not if that someone is you….do you honestly think that I hate you? I hate what you did and like hell you broke me completely Lusani but even so, how do I forget the years I spent loving you and envisioning you taking over my business like I took over Rod’s business?”
Lusani:” you wanted to kill me remember? You shot me on my leg and if Katlego didn’t make it in time I will be dead” I looked at him and laughed…I wasn’t happy but his stupidity was just on another level and I couldn’t cry about it so I laughed, I laughed at how stupid he sounded. How in a crazy world would he think that I wanted to fucking kill him? if I wanted to kill him then he would be dead
Me:” if I wanted to kill you you wouldn’t be here talking to me right now, I am good at aiming you fucking dumb shity sleaze ball! Do you think I missed by mistake? That I shot your leg by some mistake? That by some miracle from God I made mistake? Lusani you are wiser than that, I raised you to be wiser than that…I shot your fucking leg because I wanted to shoot your fucking leg. If I wanted to shoot your dead I would have shot you straight on the head or on your heart and do you honestly think that Katlego stopped me? Really? F*** Lusani you are supposed to know me better than that. If I really wanted you dead then not even Katlego could have stopped me, you of all people should know that” I was yelling at him and as much as I fought them the tears came out
Me:” I loved you, I took you in and treated you like my own and you went ahead and did this? What did Andani ever do to you huh? You killed my baby Lusani and you almost have me killed in jail. How did it feel like? Removing the baby from her, how did that feel like? At least tell me you enjoyed the damn procedure because all this will be for nothing, at least tell me you had the time of your life while killing my child” I was still yelling and I also found myself sobbing
Luu:” I am sorry” he said in a low tone…I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes too
Me:” you broke me, you completely broke me my boy…I am standing here as a broken man. I’ve never felt this much pain in my life, nothing can be compared to the pain of finding out that you of all people deliberately killed my baby. You knew how much the baby meant to me…just like Andani that baby was going to be the redemption I need as a man clouded by darkness but no…you had to kill him for your own selfish reasons”
Luu:” sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if you really love me because you treat me like a servant most of the times”
Me:” what? You wanted me to treat you like a spoilt cheese boy? This business is not for cheese boys and I had to teach you to think on your feet, to over think every action that you take and to think about the consequences of your every action because that’s what this business is all about…every action has consequences. Just like undermining you and batting on the fact that you loved me brought us here today. Rod treated me like s*** most of the times but I knew he loved me because he showed me love but he had to toughen me up, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to take over the business without him”
Luu:” I am sorry Gee”
Me:” is that going to bring the baby back? Is that going to make Andani feel better? She is fucked up…like completely broken; I don’t even know how I am going to make her feel normal ever again”
Luu:” just kill me then…if that makes it all okay just kill me” I looked at him straight in the eyes
Me:” when I walked in here I kept asking myself where I went wrong when I was raising you, what did I do wrong and why you turned out like this. I mean I raised you well and taught you better but no…this is not my fault…you are just dumb Lusani, you are just plain stupid, I mean why else would you try taking me out without making sure that all possibilities of me breaking out of jail were taken care off? A stunt like the one you just pulled needed to be well thought of…I thought I taught you to do that but you never learned did you?” I looked at him and he looked down…he was loosening up now…he was starting to believe that I wasn’t here to kill him but to talk
Luu:” Eugene I am sorry” I walked to him and looked at him straight in the eyes
Luu:” just kill me…please I don’t deserve to live…Eugene kill me”
This nigga be standing in front of me calling me Eugene like we were still buddies. I don’t know what came over me but in a split second I reached over to the table and underneath it I reached for the knife that was hidden underneath the wooden table top and I held Lusani by his neck with my free hand. He looked into my eyes with nothing but complete fear. I know I was supposed to stop myself, I wanted to stop myself but I thought of Andani lying in that hospital bed with the pain she was in and I drove that knife straight to his left eye and the boy screamed in agony. I threw him on the table and he hit the table and then fell on his back. I went to him and put my knee on his chest and looked at his right eye which was still very much okay. He was trying to get his hands to the eye that had a knife on it but I held his hands and pinned them against the floor
Me:” you want me to just kill you? You think that will make every damn thing okay? You killed my child Lusani, my own blood and you are begging me to kill you? Where the hell do you get the nerve to ask me to just kill you? You want to have it easy? Death is the last thing I will give you Luu, you are not going to fucking die, not now anyway” he said nothing in return, he just cried
Me:” so…let’s talk about Katlego…between you and her…who came up with this stupid sick idea?” he continued crying
Me:” Lusani, only your one eye is blind….you do know that I am capable of making both of them blind right? I can do worse things to you than just making you blind so talk…whose idea was this?”
Lusani:” it was my idea, Katlego had nothing to do with it at first, I came up with this on my own and I begged her to help here and there, she was scared of you” I smiled
Me:” so you’ve been sleeping with her?”
Lusani:” what? No”
Me:” you have been sleeping with my Kat? It’s the only reason why you’ll defend her and pin all of this on yourself…f*** Lusani you’ve been sleeping with Katlego?” I yelled
Luu:” Noo Eugene no I have never slept with Katlego, I have never done that”
Me:” you think I am playing? If I remove the knife from that eye it’s going to hurt more and you know what I am going to do after removing it? I will stuck the knife in your left eye” Lusani sobbed uncontrollably
Luu:” I am telling you the truth Eugene, I never slept with her”
Me:” okay you think I am bluffing” I removed the knife from his eye and he started bleeding right away and at the same time he screamed at the top of his lungs…he covered his eyes with his hands
Luu:” I promise I didn’t do it…I swear on my mother’s death I didn’t do it” he said crying….i stopped and looked at him. He had never ever mentioned his mother so he must be telling the truth
Me:” then why protect her? Why pin everything on yourself?”
Luu:” she is a mother Gee, she has a child…I don’t want you to kill her and leave her child without a mother” I smiled
Me:” wow…all of a sudden you grew a heart huh? I guess you didn’t have one when you were killing my child, did you have one then? I guess you didn’t” he just cried
Luu:” just kill me…please, just end my life”
Right there….right there in his eye was the look I had longed to see in a very long time. A look of someone begging for their life and me standing there as an anchor between their life and their death. The power I felt when I was in that position was all the power I needed, the power to know that I get to decide whether someone dies or lives. I looked at him and realised that this was me relapsing…I was going to enjoy doing this and I hated myself for it. I was supposed to be better for Andani but looking at Lusani like this with his pleading eye staring back at me I knew that there was no going back, I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself from doing what I knew my whole body was screaming for. I looked at the knife on my hand
Me:” you asked for this”
He gave me a terrified look and I guess he saw that the look on my eyes meant business. I started hitting the floor lightly with a knife while I thought of the best way to start this…Lusani knew that hell was coming for him so he stopped crying and just looked at me. Something had already died in me…there was no way in hell I was going to feel sorry for him or let him off the hook. I stopped what I was doing and got up…I helped him stand up and he tried to fight me as I was helping him sit on the chair. He pushed me backwards and tried to run for the door…Lusani should know better to understand that having my victims try to escape was part of the game, it’s what made me enjoy the whole thing anyway. I stood there and watch him as he ran to the door. He tried to open but the door was locked.
Me:” if you wanna leave you gotta fight me Luu” the blood from his eye was all over his face and his t shirt and on the floor. He turned around and looked at me
Luu:” so you never loved me? It’s true, you never loved me”
Me:” you should have tried the emotional black mail for when I walked in, maybe then it would have worked….it’s never going to work now, its never going to work”
He ran to me while screaming and tried to push me back but I stood my ground and held his arms tighter. I was a little bit disappointed, I thought Lusani would at least be as strong as me…he was not ready for this game yet. I bent his head over to my knee and hit him with the knee. He fell to the floor and I went to him and held his head and hit it with my knee again. I then took him and helped him sit on the chair. When I was done I tied him up on the chair and looked at him. I couldn’t feel sorry for him…when I looked at him I thought about how he must have operated Andani and that gave me enough rage to want to kill him and that’s when I knew that it was time for me to leave the room, I couldn’t stay there any longer because I’d end up killing him and that was out of the question. I went to the corner and took the first aid kit bag that was lying there and bandaged his eye, I wanted to stop the bleeding. I was about to leave the room but then i went back to him and I stabbed him on his waist line….i left the knife there and left the room. I knew that with the knife still on him then he wasn’t going to bleed too much. I went straight to my bedroom and went to the shower. I got to the shower with my clothes on. I stood there and just sobbed. I had this hunger to end his life…he deserved to die for what he did to me but then again death wasn’t a punishment enough…I had to keep him there and tomorrow it was going to be me and him…I would need to get all my equipment’s and I will make him scream and wish he never met me. After my shower I went back to the room and changed into something else.
I then left the house and drove to the hospital. I called few people while on my way and made it known that I was back. I wasn’t sure about trusting my team anymore but somehow I had to get proof of those who were willing to testify against me and kill them all. It was one thing following Lusani because I asked everyone to but it was one thing to testify against me in the court of law. I got to the hospital and went straight to Andani’s room. I expected her to be fast asleep but she was awake when I got there.
Me:” uhm…hi” I said while walking over to her bed
Andi:” did you kill him?” I looked at her
Andi:” Eugene did you kill him?” there was something that I couldn’t recognise on her face
Me:” death is too good for him” she raised an eyebrow
Me:” I want to make him pay Andi and death will be too easy for that…I want him to wish he never met me” she looked at me and then away
Andi:” and then relapse in the process?”
Me:” I am already there” I said knowing full well that knowing that I was back to my old self was going to kill her even more but I couldn’t hide it, she had to know that I wasn’t going to let Lusani go off easily
Andi:” Eugene…” she breathed
Me:” we will figure out a way to get out of it when I am done with him Andi…if making him pay will cost me my sanity then that’s okay” that’s the thing about addictions, you always find a way to defend why you need a fix…at this moment I didn’t care about Lusani being my family or whatever, all I wanted was to make him pay for what he did to me and to quench my thirst for killing…it was like hitting two birds with one stone.
Zwi a Penga – Life As We Know It
Chapter 62
TSHILILO
Falling asleep wasn’t really a battle. After my phone call with Ndivhuwo I threw myself on the bed hoping to wait on him to make his way to the hotel so that I can be sure that he was okay but then I fell asleep before he arrived. I was way too tired. When I opened my eyes it was already morning. So I slept the whole night without waking up at all? I raised my head and looked around the room and I noticed a blurry figure standing in the middle of the room. I got such a fright and quickly shot my eyes open. I took a sigh of relief and put my head back on the bed…it was Ndivhuwo…he looked so weird and a bit scary. He just stood there with his all black attire on and his hands folded on his chest and his eyes focused on me. He looked tired, like he needed a serious sleep. My guess was that he didn’t sleep last night.
Me:” how did you get in here?” I asked as I raised my head again
Ndiv:” some questions are not worth it Tshili” I shook my head realising that with him everything was possible so he was capable of doing just anything
Me:” yeah you are right, I should know better” I got up from the bed and stretched, I was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday
Me:” you look tired, you didn’t sleep did you?” I said that looking around the room and realising that I didn’t have my teeth brush with me. Ndivhuwo reached into his jacket pocket and took out a teeth brush and a toothpaste
Ndiv:” I couldn’t sleep so I came in here and just stare at you….here” he handed me the teeth brush and the toothpaste…I frowned looking at him
Ndiv:” I bought them at the garage on my way here, I knew you’ll need them in the morning” m
My heart completely melted and at that moment i felt a lot of guilt. Like I was supposed to be mourning and not feeling these butterflies and funny feelings I was feeling. Didn’t I love him enough? Why not mourn him a little longer? I walked to the bathroom and he followed me. He stood at the door and looked at the mirror where our eyes meet…his eyes were seriously focused on mine
Me:” everything is okay now…Eugene is out and Lusani is caught…we can go home and have some moments with our family…you can wipe that face off for now” he had his game face on
Ndiv:” as long as we still have the Nigerians and the Kenyans on our tail then I can’t really relax…I don’t want to lose you” my heart literally stopped beating and I stopped brushing my teeth and looked at the mirror where our eyes met again. I was feeling things, things I couldn’t explain, things that made my knees go weak and my body tense up.
Me:” you won’t lose me” he shook his head and walked away. I finished brushing my teeth and then walked back to the bedroom. I found him still standing in the middle of the room. I looked at him and feel things that I had longed to feel for a very long time. I went to him and stood in front of him. He smelt of his cologne and sweat…he hadn’t showered I guess and we had a pretty long day yesterday…I had the same scent too. But somehow I found the scent of sweat plus his cologne sexy…I didn’t feel disgusted or suffocated, Ndivhuwo was attractive like that…even before the shower he was just to die for
Me:” we will make it…me and you” he smiled…I was still feeling like I had to prove to him that I really wanted him and that I would never repeat the mistakes that I have made in the past. Okay now I was totally confused…what do I mean mistakes? Was being with Thembu and choosing him over Ndivhuwo a mistake? I mean that’s how I was seeing it now…I ignored the thoughts and took his hands into mine
Me:” I am here Ndivhu, I am not going anywhere” I said that and stood on my toes and wrapped my hands around his neck so that he can easily bend his head over to me. He didn’t obey but rather removed my hands from the back of his neck and turned around and walked to the door…yohh the kind of pain I felt neh?
Me:” Ndivhuwo” he pretended not to hear me and opened the door. I ran to him and closed the door and stood against it…he turned around and went back to the room and looked outside the window while his back was facing me
Me:” Ndivhuwo I am trying okay” I yelled
Ndiv:” I don’t want you to try, you don’t have to keep trying” what?
Me:” what do you want me to do then?”
Ndiv:” nothing, I want you to do nothing” there was coldness on his voice…I felt tears falling down, I couldn’t lose him too…not him, not Ndivhuwo, not my perfect Ndivhuwo…during the years that I had known Ndivhuwo he had never ever rejected me, not ever. He had always made me feel loved and wanted. This was new and I sure as well was terrified
Me:”ow my God…you don’t love me anymore…oww my God” I said that and sobbed unexpectedly…I honestly didn’t want to break down like that but the thought of him not loving me cut so deep. Maybe I took him for granted sometimes because I knew that no matter what I do Ndivhuwo was always there for me
Ndiv:” what? F*** hell no” he said that and walked over to me
Me:” it’s pretty obvious Ndii” he got to me and pulled me to him and hugged me tight. I held on to him and I stopped crying and laid my head on his chest and wished he couldn’t let me go
Ndiv:” I love you…I still love you Tshili…I love you more than anything and anyone and you know that”
Me:” but why are you doing this to me?” he quickly pulled away and moved away from me
Ndiv:” you scare me…I have had you twice and you’ve left me twice Tshili…I watched you as you loved my brother and I had to endure the thought of you and him in bed and I had to come to terms with the fact that everything you used to do with me you will be doing them with him. I stood there as an outsider and watched you and him have fun together…how do I forget that? How do I forget that you chose him time and time again and now that he is gone you are acting as if he never existed?”
Me:” but I am trying to prove to you that I want you and that we still stand a chance”
Ndiv:” I want you more than anything else right now but what guarantee do I have that you’ll stick around this time around huh? That you won’t meet a new person and just move on. You don’t seem to have a problem with that. I’ve always been that guy to you…I’ve been the guy that sticks around and I did things for you that no one can never do and I am still here today loving you more than anyone else. But I am scared. I thought it will be easy, I thought we would just hit it off and I will finally be happy that you are with me but I am starting to question lot of things”
Me:” what things?” he looked at me and then went to sit on the bed and put his hands at the back of his neck and bent down and breathed and then back at me again…he was frustrated
Ndiv:” like do you love me or you are just afraid to be alone? With Thembu gone and the enemies still upon us then you need the protection, you want someone to love you and to give you the attention that you need…I mean Tshililo you kissed Eugene” he yelled when he said the last part…ow my God not the kiss again, I thought this was dead and buried
Me:” I told you the that the kiss meant nothing and that he kissed me not the other way around” he got up shaking his head and charged at me so quickly and somehow I got scared of him and walked backwards until I reached the door and I stood there feeling as terrified as ever. He looked at me the exact same way he looked at me after I almost killed Katherine…he gave me the same look he gave me when he almost killed me and to be honest I was totally terrified…he got to me and stood so close…so close that our bodies were touching…he looked down on me and tears welled down on my face
Ndiv:” think carefully about how you answer this Tshililo…lying to me will be you breaking everything we’ve ever shared and it will be the last straw I will ever take from you” God how do I love and fear the same person all at the same time…he was terrifying and I found myself nodding like a toddler
Ndiv:” when he kissed you did you kiss him back?” owww nooo, I looked down and silently sobbed, I couldn’t sob loudly anymore, not when he was so close, there was just no telling what he could do
Ndiv:” I am not going to ask you this again…and if you lie to me I can very much make Eugene talk Tshili and we both know what that could mean…so?” I nodded
Ndiv:” what’s that supposed to mean?”
Me:” I kissed him back…Ndivhuwo I am so-“ he turned around and walked away from me
Ndiv:” you enjoyed it?” he sounded so in control, more like what I said didn’t have any effect on him
Me:” no of course not” he turned around and looked at me
Ndiv:” see? That right there is the reason why I don’t want to do this with you anymore…what do we do now? We start sleeping together until Eugene or whoever comes and sweep you off your feet? Is that it?”
Me;” no of course not…I love you and you know that…I will never leave you for anyone else, I swear to God I will never do it again”
Ndiv”what I know is that I loved the wrong girl Tshili”
Me:” I want to fix this…I want to fix us”
Ndiv:” us….” He said that and shook his head…damn I damaged him
Me:” I am sorry”
Ndiv:” I want you to figure yourself out…do you really want me or you are afraid to be alone?” he said that and walked to the door. He was about to open the door but he turned around and looked at me
Ndiv:” I will take a shower and then we will meet up with Eugene…after that we are going back home”
Me:” okay…I love you”
Ndiv:” I love you more” he opened the door and walked out
EUGENE
I spent the night at the hospital by Andani’s side. I didn’t sleep an inch, I kept feeling like someone will come and do something to her so I starred at her the whole night. She was restless throughout the night, she didn’t sleep comfortably, she even had nightmares and cried at some point. It broke my heart to see her like that
Me:” morning” I said as soon as she opened her eyes…she hated me…she didn’t have to say the words, I could see it in the way she looked at me…since I arrived here last night she wasn’t happy, she hated me and blamed me for the loss. We barely said a word to each other after we discussed Lusani….she just turned away from me and slept.
Andi:” hi” she was cold
Me:” I want to go get you some breakfast and I am not sure what you’ll prefer…what can I get you?” she gave me a death stare and I looked away because I couldn’t bare the look of pain in her eyes
Andi:” you want to get me breakfast? You think I want breakfast? Food is the last thing I need right now Eugene”
Me:” uhm okay”
Andi:” I don’t want to eat or to go home or to be with anyone…I just want to sit here alone…this place is the only reminder I have that I was really pregnant, this is the only reminder that the baby was real”
Me:” I am sorry”
Andi:” me too…for thinking that I can change you or get you out of this hell whole you call a life…instead of pulling you out of it, you pulled me further in and in and now I am in here with you…a hell hole of pain and revenge and darkness”
Me:” don’t…d-“ I ran out of words and my mouth just trembled…I didn’t want her to do this, I didn’t want her to make me feel twice as bad…I was hating myself already…she didn’t have to make it worse
Andi:” I can’t recognise myself…I don’t feel like myself anymore…I feel dead Eugene”
Me:” don’t do that to yourself”
Andi:” I am not doing anything to myself Eugene, I didn’t ask for this…I don’t think you understand the depth of pain I am in”
Me:” I don’t understand? You think I don’t understand? You think I didn’t want to be a father? To hold my own baby in my hands? To hold your hands during labour? I did my best to keep you and that baby alive…i…I wanted that baby so bad and right now I am totally broken” I said that looking at her. it was during this moment that I realised that we were both totally broken…I kept wondering if our relationship was going to survive such a loss, I don’t know how we were going to survive something like this
Andi:” we are totally broken”
Me:” and what scares me the most right now is are we going to survive this nightmare? We can’t push each other away cupcake…I am in pain, you are in pain…we should support each other
Andi:” right now I need space”
Me:” Andi”
Andi:” Eugene just leave” I walked to her and kissed her on the cheek and she closed her eyes hard as if she was in pain. I let her go and walked out of the door.
I called Ndivhuwo while I drove to my house. We were going to meet in my house in about an hour and that meant that I had about 45 minutes with Lusani and then 15 minutes to clean myself up. I got to the house and Stacy was in the lounge
Stacy:” morning”
Me:” hey” I said that not looking at her and walking up the stairs
Stacy:” Eugene!”
Me:” Stacy not now” the excitement I was feeling can’t be compared to anything, I could feel my body craving for him
Stacy:” you fell off the fucking wagon right?” I stopped walking and looked at her
Stacy:” Eugene I know that look”
Me:” just him” I said through gritted teeth, she shook her head
Stacy:” we know that’s not true”
Me:” I will be fine, he killed my child and if falling off the wagon is what it will take then that’s fine”
Stacy:” oww my God….there is no stopping you now” I shook my head
Me:” no” I said that and ran up the stairs. i remembered that I needed tools so I ran down and went to the garage…I go there and took few items that I was going to use and then ran back…Stacy just stood in the middle of the room with her mouth wide open as I pass her. I got to the door and opened and walked in. I looked at Lusani and smiled
Zwi-Life
Chapter 63
Me:” hey Luu” I said in a playful voice. His back was facing me. I put the tools on the floor and went to his face…he looked really tired…well he was about to get more tired
Luu:” I am sorry” he whispered
Me:” sorry is not going to cut it, it won’t change s***, once I am done here with you then I will go for Katlego” Lusani knew better than to plead with me at this point, there was no going back, no going back at all…all I wanted was to hear him scream at the top of his lungs and watch him bleed so that I can quench the thirst that I had been trying for ages to hold back
Luu:” we are really sorry”
Me:” you are about to be really sorry”
I said that and took an electric wire and plugged it on the plug. I took the end of the wire that had no plastic cover on it and pinned it on Lusani’s stomach…his body started shaking and he screamed so loud. I stopped for few seconds so that he may take a breath and then i pinned it on him again…the loud noise of his screaming voice gave me the kind of satisfaction I longed for…I realised that I really missed this, I realised at that moment that I never wanted to stop again, in fact doing Lusani was so good that I was considering keeping him here for years and he was going to quench my thirst whenever I wanted a fix. This was different from all my fix…I mean with all the other guys I wasn’t emotionally or personally attached to them, matter of fact I didn’t even know them...i only tortured them because they abused their wives and kids and this was my way to teach them a lesson. With Lusani it was something different, he betrayed me….not only did he do the unthinkable and betrayed me, he also went as far as killing my unborn child leaving me and Andani totally broken. So Lusani was a special kind of fix, the kind I didn’t want to kill or dispose of or let go free…he was the kind of fix I wanted to indulge in every morning and every afternoon and every evening of everyday. That’s how important this was to me. The fact that he brought so much pain made the whole thing so justifiable and so fitting…more like he really deserved this…well he was more than deserving of this treatment.
Me:” how does that sound huh? Is that good?” I said loudly trying to get him to hear me as he was screaming for his dear life. I stopped chocking him with electricity and looked at him…I didn’t want him to die yet…when I stopped his body was still shaking and he stopped screaming and took heavy breaths. I gave him few minutes to recover and as he was busy recovering I took out a grander…I was not sure which part of his body had to leave first…I put the grinder away and then took a drill…I wasn’t ready to start cutting him yet but I could always drill some holes on him. I plugged the tool to the electricity and I heard Lusani screaming before I could even touch him
Luu:” I won” he said as he cried and slowly his cry turned into an evil laugh, the kind of laugh he had heard me do over the years…he could mimic it so perfectly
Me:” you did?” I said with a smile
Luu:” whatever you do Gee, I have won”
Me:” you sure did” I said that moving closer to him with a drill
Luu:” after all the meetings with the doctor, promising Andani that you’ll quit, joining the dancing classes and doing some arts in order to fight that edge? i mean all of that was for nothing…I brought it all down because here you are ….as weak as ever….i know this makes you feel strong but it’s a sign of weakness, a reminder that you are an addict and can’t control your thirst to torture people…I know you well enough to know that my fate is sealed and I won’t get out of this one and right now I just have to endure the pain you’ll cause me before I finally say goodbye to this world but you’ll remain here and you and Andani will both have to work on mending your broken hearts and work on building your relationship and you’ll have to work on being sober again..i don’t know how long it will take both of you to be normal again but it’s gonna take long enough…possibly Andani might not be able to conceive anymore so whatever physical pain you cause me…I will die peacefully knowing that I have caused you enough emotional pain to last you a life time…I know you are damaged and that what I did to you has done more damage than I can ever anticipate. You are a heartless son of a b*** and if I had to kill your child again, I would glad-“
I inserted the drill inside his ear as I scream in pain…it wasn’t a physical pain, it was an emotional torture that made my head spin and my heart burn….how dare he say something like this to me…he won? I quickly removed the drill from his ear as blood gushes down and I inserted in his stomach and drilled a whole in him…I was shaking with rage and as much as the blood made me excited, I hated Lusani so much I couldn’t even enjoy the damn show. He was right though, what I was doing was to hurt him but at what cost? Wasn’t I losing way too much in order to make him pay? I blocked all the thoughts and came back to just me and him
Me:” you will curse the day you met me”
Luu:” I already did” I gave him my wicked smile
Me:” you are about to do it again Luu…you operated my wife and removed my baby from her huh? Well, I am going to do something a little similar to you…I am going to castrate you, I will remove your genitals and your penis and I won’t kill you…I will make you sit here and watch porn movies the whole day and night and hear women mourn and some niggas groan and realise that you can’t even make a woman scream anymore…you will just be a man by name and that’s it” he cried silently
Me:” you said you won…well, I guess this is how winning looks like”
I threw the drill across the room and went for the grander…removing his testicles and penis was the way to go. I had to bandage him afterwards though, I wouldn’t want him to die on me…maybe I should also get a Doctor to check him up as well…Lusani had to live through every pain I was going to cause him…I wasn’t about to stop…not after he reminded me of just how much I had lost to him. I plugged the grinder and went to him…he screamed and tried to kick his feet but he was tied to the chair so it was impossible for him to try anything
Me:” you’ve won my boy…you’ve finally brought me back to being me…I’ve been trying to be someone else for quite some time now so this is me and you’ll finally get to experience what it’s like to be on the receiving end of my hands” he just sobbed…the whole room was messed up and bloody…Lusani had blood all over him. I had no idea who was going to clean this up because that was usually Lusani’s job, he was the only one I trusted to see the site of my evilness. I took a scissor and cut open his pants and I saw his little penis lying peacefully between his legs.
Me:” I am not going to ask you to open your legs Lusani…if you don’t open them then I will cut whatever flesh I find until I get to your penis and genitals so if you know what’s good for you you’ll open your legs so that I can only cut what I have to cut, instead of just cutting unnecessary flesh”
I was about to start when the door burst open…I switched off the grinder quickly and looked at the door…I should have locked…Stacy stood there, she was totally mortified. I looked at her and at Lusani and then back at her. She looked at the scene and froze. The room was bloody, Lusani was bloody and I was also bloody. The look on her face almost brought me to tears, she was totally hurt. Her eyes immediately got teary and she turned around and ran. Stacy wasn’t weak, crying was not something that she usually did so this broke her…the site of me looking like this broke her…she and Rod felt responsible for my addiction, somehow she felt like they should have done more to protect me from being so evil…I mean she never had a problem with her husband being evil but she wanted me to be a better version. I threw the grinder on the floor and ran outside the door and closed it. I didn’t know where she went. I looked at my feet and they were leaving a trace of blood as I walk. I took the shoes off and left them on the floor. I walked down the stairs and I found Stacy sitting in the lounge sobbing
Me:” Stacy”
Stacy:” just go take a shower Eugene” she said in between the sob
Me:” Stacy you didn’t have to see that, why did you come in?”
Stacy:” I said leave my site Eugene…just go clean your bloody body up okay?” she screamed…
I turned around and walked to my room. I took my phone and called George to go to the sound proof room and clean it up…I told him to clean the trace of blood left by my shoes and to clean my shoes and then dispose of them. I also told him to clean Lusani up and bandage him. I hoped that drilling his ear didn’t interrupt his nervous system and everything else that can affect the brain….the last thing I wanted was for his brain cells to be interrupted, I wanted his head to be clear at all times. I then walked to the bathroom to take a shower. I took off my clothes and got in the shower. I was feeling more alive, more energetic and yes the pain of losing my child was still there but there was something better to make up for it. The memories of Lusani screaming and sobbing and his blood gushing down and the scene of how the room looked with Lusani ‘s blood all over,…the memory of that room was engraved in my head and it was enough remedy I needed for my messed up life. Torturing Lusani made me feel much better, I didn’t feel like crying while in the shower, I wasn’t sad for losing the baby anymore, in fact I accepted what happened because I realised that there were better things in life than crying over something that won’t come back…things like seeing blood and hearing someone scream in pain and knowing that you are the pain inflictor and knowing that your victim was someone who betrayed you. I was happy in a way that not even Andani could understand and I was honestly not looking forward to ever stop this journey that I was in. if I had to lie to her then I was going to…this was me, this was who I was and there was no going back.
After my shower I changed into some track pants and a vest and wore some flip-flops and then walked out of the room and down the stairs. Stacy was still sitting there and she was calmer this time around. I went to the sofa and sat beside her. I wasn’t sure whether I needed to apologise…I mean why apologise for something that I knew I wasn’t sorry for? If anything, I wanted to repeat the same act again and again…maybe I could just apologise that she saw me doing that s***, well that sound more reasonable
Me:” I am sorry that you had to see that” she wasn’t crying anymore…she looked angry and in pain
Me:” Stacy please I am sorry and next time I will lock the door”
Stacy:” next time? So there will be next time?” I wasn’t about to lie to her
Me:” yes…there will be next time and another time after that and another one after that” she breathed
Stacy:” Eugene”
Me:” Stacy”
Stacy:” we can help you cope with your problem, you don’t have to go in too deep”
Me:” I am deeper than I can ever think of getting out…in fact getting out is no longer an option…even Andani is gonna have to work her way on accepting that this is me”
Stacy:” it was doable the last time, it can still be doable again” she desperately wanted me to agree to this
Me:” last time it was different, I was willing to change but this time around I am not willing to change…I can’t trade this feeling for anything else…it doesn’t even hurt anymore, yes I lost the baby but I don’t feel suicidal anymore, I feel the void of losing a baby but it’s something that I can live through and it’s all because I was in that room” Stacy breathed
Stacy:” but Eugene i-“ someone buzzed at the gate
Me:” it must be Ndivhuwo and Tshililo” I got up and picked up the phone
Ndiv:” it’s me”
Me:” sure” I pressed the button to open the gate for them and walked back to Stacy
Me:” its Tshililo and Ndivuwo…I know this is hard for people to accept and I understand why but I expect to be having these kind of talk with Andani and not you. You are my mother and I know you are strong and have dealt with far more stressing issues than me being addicted to spilling blood so please let’s not have a conversation of this nature again…I want to save my energy for these type of talks for when Andani realises just how deep I have fallen back, I can’t be doing this with you too. You know I love you and appreciate everything you do for me so please stay away from my addiction” she shook her head and walked away.
Ndivhuwo and Tshililo walked in…I smiled and signalled for them to come forward to the lounge where I was sitting
Ndiv:” hey” he said as he sat down
Tshili:” hi” she didn’t look happy and I got a bit concerned but I had to stop myself because I didn’t want Ndivhuwo as my enemy, we were good as friends…Ndivhuwo had his murderous look on, more like he was about to kill someone right here in this room, I didn’t understand why he had that look because everything was fine…in fact I thought this was going to be a celebration
Me:” uhm, can I get you guys something to drink?”
Tshili:” yes that wo-“
Ndiv:” no we are not here for your drinks Eugene, we can very much afford to feed ourselves” okay something was up
Me:” uhm did something happen?” Tshililo looked as shocked as I was
Ndiv:” So…tell me about your business Eugene…except drug related stuff…what else do you do?”
Me:” I am not sure I am following” he got up in a speed of light and threw one hard punch on my fac,…the f***….i was still shocked AF when he threw another one on my nose and some liquids came out of my nose…I touched my nose and looked at the liquid and I was bleeding
Me:” what the f*** is your problem?” I asked getting up
Ndiv:” you wanna know what my problem is? I didn’t delete your folders last night when I wiped them off; I figured that you might need some of them in the future so I just saved them all in the cloud and this morning while I wait for this meeting I decided to look them up and booom!”
Me:” booom? Am I supposed to know what you found? Or why you are hitting me? Need I remind you that this is my house and the reason why we are not fighting right now is because I value our alliance more than you do and that I believe that we still have some common enemies we need to fight together?”
Tshili:” Ndivhuwo don’t do this, he is our friend”
Ndiv:” our friend? You won’t call him our friend once you find out what he does”
Tshili:” what could be worse than what we all have done in the past Ndivhuwo?” she was screaming too
Eugene:” exactly”
Ndiv:” this pig right here traffic women Tshili…do you understand what I am saying? He abduct women and use them as f****g sex slaves Tshililo…just like what they did to you, he does the exact same thing to other women” Tshililo looked at me and then sat back on the sofa and her eyes immediately got wet
Me:” I can explain”
Tshili:” explain what? That when you look at someone like me you are seeing a money making machine? You are ruining people’s lives Eugene…you have all the money in the world, why do you have to ruin other people’s lives huh? Do you know what that s*** do to someone? What it did to me?”
Zwi a Penga – Life As We Know It
Chapter 64
NDIVHUWO
Me:” I am many things Eugene…I kill people as if it doesn’t matter, I am as heartless as they come but not even I could force women to sleep with men for my own financial gain. Even before Tshililo’s abduction I just couldn’t do that to our sisters but you…you have no boundaries huh? You don’t draw the line? How would you feel if someone was doing that to your sister? Or your Andani?”
Eugene:” you’ve killed people and distribute drugs so what makes you different from me? crime is crime bruh” I got up and stood in the middle of the room looking at him with my hands on my hips, I couldn’t believe that he was taking this lightly, like it meant nothing, was he that cruel and that heartless towards women? My mom died when I was just a toddler but that didn’t give me a reason not to respect women
Me:” I don’t know if you are just playing dumb or if you are really dumb. How do you even begin to compare the two? Killing and human trafficking? Someone who is dead feel no pain but being repeatedly raped? That steals more from a woman than your evil heart can ever understand. As for the drugs…I don’t go around forcing anyone to take drugs the same way that you force girls to sleep with men for money…the worst part is you have money, lots of it, I don’t even understand why this is happening” he looked at me and smirked while shaking his head
Gee:” this is about the kiss right?”
Tshili:” what? So you really don’t see anything wrong with you abducting young girls for money? What kind of an animal are you? You know what? I feel sorry that Andani has you for a man Eugene…I feel sorry for Andani because she lost the baby but you? I am not sorry anymore…in fact you deserve all the misery that you are getting. First it was your sister and now it’s the baby plus Lusani…well, may God keep on giving you this level of punishment…you deserve every bit of it….you will die a sad little man…you’ll never father a child because you are way too heartless to be anyone’s father” she said that and got up and left the room and walked out of the house. Eugene looked at her as she walk way and blinked
Eugene:” Tshililo get back here!” he shouted, I shook my head with my index finger up in the air
Me:” no no no you don’t talk to her like that, so you really think that this is all about the kiss?”
Eugene:” is it not?” what Tshililo said got to him…he was blinking and his eyes were teary, his hands were also shaking
Me:” you won’t really understand how I am feeling Eugene…no, this is not about the kiss and even if it was, you can’t really blame me” I was pacing. Eugene was still sitting down, he was calm and it was his calmness that was pissing me off
Eugene:” I thought we are over the damn kiss” I walked to him and bent down towards his face
Me:” if I kissed Andani would you really forget? Would you let it go? How easily would you get over it?” I was breathing hard…he looked at me and blinked several times
Eugene:” Andani wouldn’t do that to me” I smiled
Me:” you sound so sure…it’s just that I am not like you, I don’t go around kissing everything that wear a skirt but believe me, if I wanted Andani for myself now was the time to take her. I could turn her against you and sleep with her and toss her away if I wanted to….you must ask my late brother Thembuluwo…he was so sure that Tshililo could never ever fall for anyone else but I came around and got her all kind of confused and I had her, twice, but she went back to him but all in all….i got her and it’s the reason why she is still here today…with me” Eugene eyed me carefully and then punched me on the face, I stood up straight with a smile on my face
Eugene:” you little bustard...you killed your brother” I raised an eyebrow
Me:” seriously?”
Eugene:” he died in the hospital, how do we know that you didn’t pay someone to finish him off so that you could have Tshililo for yourself?” I smiled again
Me:” I guess we will never know the truth now…and ow….this…whatever little friendship we were trying to build can’t continue Eugene…I have a daughter at home and I can’t hang out with you and do business with someone who can turn around tomorrow and sell my daughter for money”
Gee:” f*** Ndivhuwo what do you take me for?”
Ndiv:” you are foolish and that’s what you are. You have no idea what that s*** do to someone…you don’t know how Tshililo suffered because of that s***, it took her more than a year to recover…she is still recovering even to this day”
Gee;” Just leave my house, I don’t care who you are Ndiv, I am not about to have you or anyone else tell me which business to run or which not to run”
Ndiv:” and ow…I have everything on you Eugene…everything…as in every fucking thing” Eugene quickly got up
Gee:” Ndiv fucking vhuwo!!! I am going to kill you” he roared walking over to me…he pushed me back and I stumbled and managed to balance myself…he charged at me and tried to punch me but I caught his fist mid-air…he tried punching me with his other hand but I caught that fist too. He then kicked me so hard and I fell to the floor. I quickly got up and pushed him away from me
Ndiv:” I am done here” he rubbed his hand on his nose
Gee:” I want everything that belongs to me, if you know what’s good for you then you’ll give me everything you have on me” he roared
Ndiv:” you say it like I am afraid of you…you know me better than to make those kind of threats…you have nothing to worry about…for now. I am not your little lap dog Lusani, I won’t get you arrested, I mean that’s too low…and ow, since you are insinuating that I killed Thembuluwo who was my blood, then there is no telling what I could do to someone like you…you better ask Svig and Diesel and many more…in fact I will make you a list of all the gang bosses I brought down”
Gee:” I said leave!” he screamed and I walked out of the house.
My chest was heavy, I didn’t want to fight him, I didn’t want to fight Eugene, we were good as friends but I couldn’t overlook the fact that he was abducting women…I was all kind of evil but that’s the line I couldn’t cross, how do I look my daughter in the eyes knowing that I was letting girls her age suffer such a fate? I got to the car and Tshililo was already inside. I got into the driver’s side and started the car
Me:” we are going to the hospital to see Andani and then we drive back home” she just nodded, she’s been crying and she was trying her best not to keep on crying
Me:” don’t go back there please” I said while looking at my side mirrors before I reverse the car
Tshili:” sometimes I ask myself why we are still alive, all the s*** we’ve been through, it’s really too much”
Me:” I honestly don’t want to think about how you were when I found you in that brothel Tshili, we can’t talk about this” she looked out the window
Tshili:” I am just tired” she said looking outside the window
Me:” me too” she quickly looked at me in shock…she didn’t expect me to say that but I was being honest
Me:” I know it’s not something you’ll like to hear but I am tired, I am exhausted…I miss Roli and I miss Thembu….and I am always thinking Tshili, I can’t even rest, I always have to think about the safety of the whole family and planning for tomorrow, as much as I am good at it, its tiring…I have no one to help me out as far as thinking and planning is concerned. I know Xolani is there but he is not on my level. And now we lost Eugene…it was good having someone on the same level as me…I could relax for a second knowing that he has our back”
Tshili:” you love him” she said as if she just realised this now…well, she was wrong
Me:” what?”
Tshili:” like a brother, you love him like a brother…you pretend like you don’t care about him but you do…few seconds after a fight with him and you are admitting to being tired and missing your dead brothers? Go back there and talk to him” I breathed, could she be right? Even if she was right, teaming up with Eugene while knowing what he was up to would be foolish of me, I had to think about the kids and Tshililo
Me:” but you wouldn’t want me to work with someone who abduct women”
Tshili:” but I also want to see you happy”
Me:” I will be fine” I said that as we drove out of the gate
Me:” what?”
Tshili:” one minute you are admitting that you are tired and the next you are acting strong, it’s okay to be weak sometimes”
Me:” but I don’t have that privilege, I was weak once and Katherine happened”
Tshili:” okay”
We got to the hospital and parked the car and went to see Andani. She was still lying on the bed. She was still on the same position she was in the last time we saw her
Tshili:” hey” she said that while standing close to her bed…I sat on the chair far away from the bed
Andi:” hi” her voice was cold
Tshili:” uhm….we just want to see how you are doing, we are going back home but we promise to check up on you regularly”
Andi:” okay”
Tshili:” I am sorry Andani, you really didn’t deserve this, not at all”
Andi:” I feel like I have reached the end, I don’t even know what to do with myself or what I am going to do after this”
Tshili:” it’s all gonna be fine…uhm we brought you some food” yeah Tshili and I stopped by Spur to get Andi something to eat
Andi:” thanks, just put it over there, I am not really hungry”
Tshili:” okay…well, time is the luxury that we don’t have, we need to get home”
Andi:” okay, thanks for coming” Tshililo looked at me and walked to the door
Me:” I just want to have a word with her for a second, I will get you in the car”
Tshili:” okay” Tshililo walked out. I walked to the bed and stood close to Andani
Me:” how are you feeling?” I was looking straight into her eyes and surprisingly she looked back at me and didn’t blink
Andi:” I don’t know” there was truth in her sentence, I smiled…I took her hand between my hands
Me:” it hurts right?”
Andi:” so much”
Me:” I know…sometimes you feel like getting out of this body in order to escape the pain you are in…it hurt so much so that you can feel your heart breaking into little pieces every second. At least you have us…I have been through some loss and had no one to ask me if I was okay or to check how I was doing. Each second that passes by is a reminder that life has failed you or that you’ve failed your baby, you blame yourself, even though it’s not your fault but you blame yourself…you wish you could have done better an-“
Andi:” yes, I wish I should have fought harder”
Me:” that’s the thing, I don’t really believe in God but I do know that some fates are out of our hands and it’s no use dwelling in the past. It hurts, I won’t argue with you about that, I know the meaning of loss because I have lost valuable people in my life”
Andi:” how do you overcome pain?”
Me:” I have mastered the art of living in pain, I’ve made it part of me…I won’t advice your to do the same because the thing about bottling your pain inside is that sometimes it explode and when it does you never know what you could do…so I say accept what happened”
Andi:” but it’s not easy” she said loudly
Me:” I know, you need to forgive Lusani for what he did to you, it’s for your own good Andi, if you don’t do that you won’t recover from this…you have a son that needs you remember? So do this for him”
Andi:” why are you doing this for me?” I smiled
Me:” because you and Eugene need to be strong for this…he can’t tell you something of this nature because he don’t know what to do with himself too, he is feeling the same pain as you and will say the wrong things most of the times, so that’s why I am here
Andi:” ow”
Me:” yes, you can give Tshili a call whenever you wanna talk, we will always be here for you” I said that and kissed her on the forehead and walked to the door…Surprisingly, Eugene was standing by the door. I walked past him without saying a word…he walked to me and pulled my hand
Me:” you really don’t wanna do this here”
Eugene:” thank you” I raised an eyebrow
Gee:” for the advice you gave her” I laughed
Me:” she is not like you and I won’t punish her for you sick foolish acts” I said that and walked away
Zwi-Life
Chapter 65
NDIVHUWO
Tshili and I took back the car to the dealer and then flew back to Gauteng and then drove back home. It was a long journey and even though I hate to admit it I was tired and needed some rest at least. We got home at mid night.
Tshili:” please, make sure that you rest okay?” she said as soon as I park the car
Me:” okay” I sat back and relaxed for a while
Tshili:” I know there is a lot to plan and a lot to think about but please, just rest for tonight and then tomorrow you can start working again”
Me:” okay ma’am” I smiled, we got out of the car and she went to her room and I went to mine. I was sitting on my bed taking off the shoes when my bedroom door slightly opened…I reached for the gun that I tossed on the bed…I relaxed and immediately hide the gun when I realised that it was my daughter. I smiled and put the gun under the blankets and went to her
Me:” daddy’s princess” I carried her and hugged her in my arms…God I don’t know if I was ever going to let anyone date my daughter, I couldn’t bear the thought of some boy hurting her
Roto:” I felt the car outside and then the footsteps” she said as she rested her head on my arms
Me:” you missed me neh?”
Roto:” big time” I laughed at that, I put her down and sat on the bed and looked at her
Me:” so…tell daddy what’s been happening”
Roto:” well I missed you and I also miss my mom, uhm TJ kept on asking about his mom too and Marshal was just crying half the time….but other than that everything was fine…and ow…you’ll love this one…guess what aunt Zoleka baked for us?” I smiled
Me:” just tell daddy already”
Roto:” a cake…dad it’s sooo delicious, I swear to God you’ll love it, I made sure that she kept a slice for you and aunt Tshili” her eyes were glowing with excitement
Me:” mhm that’s great news…I will have my slice tomorrow and you don’t have to worry about missing me anymore because I am here and aunt Tshili is here as well”
Roto:” and my mom? Dad I miss her” she looked a little bit sad when she said that
Me:” I know you do baby…I will arrange for you to visit her during school holidays, how about that?”
Roto:” that’s great” I smiled
Me:” do you mind going back to bed? Daddy need to rest love”
Roto:” can I sleep here with you?” I raised an eyebrow, she had never wanted to share a room with me ever since she started living with us full time, the last time she did that was when she was still staying with her mom…Roli was always the one sharing a bed with her…dammit that nigga was soo good with her than I ever was
Me:” can I ask why?” she looked at me and then her face became sad
Me:” baby what’s wrong? Is anyone bothering you? You’re having nightmares? Rotondwa what’s wrong?” she looked at me and then away…God I was panicking, if anyone did as much as touch her hair then they were soo going to die
Roto:” I don’t want to lose you” what? That was so unexpected
Me:” lose me? Baby you’ll never lose me” I said that and gave her a reassuring smile…the way she looked at me really pained me…she looked really terrified
Roto:” I am scared you’ll disappear like how daddy Roli disappeared…mom told me what happened, that he passed away and that I will never ever see him again…I can’t lose you too. TJ’s dad and grand ma are also gone, I am scared…I don’t like it when you leave” she ran to me and threw herself on to me and I hugged her. I looked around the room feeling uneasy and emotional
Me:” I won’t leave you okay? Daddy wont go anywhere…I will be here when you are all grown up, I will be here when you go to high school and then I will also be here when you go to varsity and when you get your first job”
Roto:” and when I get married and have kids” she broke the hug and smiled…I blinked several times at the thought of my daughter getting married, I honestly couldn’t trust some boy with her life, not after seeing how Tshililo suffered in the hands of my brother, I would kill the bustard for ever attempting to touch my child
Me:” yeah and when you get married” I found myself giggling, Rotondwa getting married? That was so not going to happen, not if I was still alive
Me:” now let’s get to bed miss” she giggled and got inside the blankets…I decided not to take off my clothes and just took off the boots and the socks and then went to bed.
Roto:” can I tell you about what’s happening at school?” I rolled my eyes in irritation but I guess I had to endure all this in order to be the best dad in the world
Me:” yes, daddy wants to hear everything”
Roto:” so, the teacher gave us a homework last night neh…then my friend Mulalo w-“ Roto was gonna have to forgive me but I switched off and drifted off to sleep as I hear her voice yip yapping by my side…I was happy to be with her though and this was the kind of motivation I needed, I had to make sure that I deal with all our enemies in order to keep her safe.
EUGENE
I walked into the room after watching Ndivhuwo go. I was sad, I am not going to lie, I kind of liked our little working relationship…he made me feel safe and like I didn’t have to overthink every situation, with Lusani out of my payroll things were not really going to be easy, I had no one to help me out and I had to personally do everything myself. I stood at the door and looked at Andani. The thing about using addictions as interruptions was that it only worked for the time being. I mentioned something about being okay earlier on right? Well that’s because I was still feeling the smell of blood and Lusani’s screaming voice in my ears. Standing here and looking at the woman I loved reminded me of how much I had lost…I had a baby, like a living human being with my blood running through his veins. I looked at Andani and realised that even if she was still capable of having kids, how in a world was she ever going to want to be pregnant ever again. I had sent Vhusani an sms just before I drove here and I was hoping that she’ll be here shortly. Yeah she wasn’t happy with me and everything I do but she was still Andani’s best friend and I knew that Andani needed her. I walked into the room and Andani sat up
Me:” hey” I had no idea what I was going to say, I didn’t know what to say to her. I was also ashamed because of what I had been up to with Lusani, I knew she didn’t like that side of me and I felt bad for doing all that s*** but I couldn’t stop myself
Andi:” hey”
Me:” I love you” she gave me a faint smile
Andi:” I hate you” I gave her a faint smile and sat on the bed beside her
Me:” not as much as I hate myself…how is everything around here? Anything from the doctor yet?” I specifically wanted to know if she was still capable of falling pregnant but I couldn’t come out and say it as it is
Andi:” you can call it good news if you want…I can still have babies so he didn’t damage anything” I took a sigh of relief
Andi:” it’s never going to happen again Eugene”
Me:” the miscarriage? I will make sure it doesn’t, I will fly you to Mexico if I have to”
Andi:” the pregnancy. I am never ever going to try it out again…matter of fact I want to have my womb removed” I coughed several times and then got up from the bed and looked at her
Me:”wh…wh…why would you do that?”
Andi:” because I can’t risk falling pregnant again, I really don’t want to go through anything like this ever again”
Me:” but who said you will?” I screamed
Andi:” who said I won’t?” she screamed back at me
Me:” but cupcake you are the one who believes in God and everything right? Why you gotta lose faith now huh? You can’t just give up because of two miscarriages, some women have five and still manage to have kids, it can happen for us too” I said that as I pace around the room
Andi:” two miscarriages? We are talking about two miscarriages that cost me three babies here and it broke me completely Eugene, I can’t bare it anymore, I can’t have babies, I don’t want to have babies, I don’t want to fall pregnant and feel the baby and look at the pictures and everything and wake up tomorrow to find that everything is gone…I can’t go through nine months of constant worrying…please Eugene you have to understand this” I covered my face with my hands and felt my whole body shaking, she couldn’t do this, ow no this couldn’t be happening
Me:” baby please, cupcake please you can’t do this to me…to us…you can’t just give up. we lost a baby and its as painful as f*** but we can have a five years break without trying for a baby…I can give you that much or even more…I can even stay away from you Andi, I…I…baby I would stop making love to you so that we don’t risk you ever falling pregnant, cupcake please we can’t eliminate the idea of having kids altogether, we can’t do that. I want to have a baby with you one day please Andi”
Andi:” there is a ‘we’? Do I hear a ‘we’? I carry the babies, my body is the one that suffers the pain, I am the one that gets to feel the baby inside of me and then feel the f****g emptiness afterwards so no Eugene, there is no ‘we’ in this…I am doing this for me and for all the little poor souls that we will kill if I continue falling pregnant, we are doomed, if I fall pregnant again we will kill that baby too” I looked at her as tears gushes down my face and I felt totally powerless and like I had nothing else to say. I looked at her once and turned around and head for the door.
Andi:” Eugene…Eugene come back here!” like a robot I continued walking out
Andi:” Eugene come back” she screamed and then sobbed and I just walked out of that room, I couldn’t deal with this anymore, I was failing to deal with it. I ran into Vhusani in the passage
Vhusi:” hey is sh-“ she realised that I was crying and she stopped talking and just looked at me…I walked past her and outside the building. I was about to get into my car when someone came and pocked me…I turned around and found the red-faced McCarthy standing behind me
Me:” not now” I wiped the tears and tried to get into the car and he grabbed my hand…I shook the hand forcing him to stumble and fall
Me:” I said not now” I roared
McCarthy:’ you think I care? What did you do? You broke out of the prison and stole the dockets and every little evidence that I had against you? Plus the footage to show that you were ever arrested?”
Me:” tell me something that I don’t know”
McCarthy:” do you have any idea what you’ve done? This is going to cost me my job damn it!” he was shouting
Me:” you say it like I am supposed to care” I said in a calm voice and then got in the car and drove off.
I was on the edge and I wanted a fix. I got to the house and parked my car at the driveway and then quickly walked inside, I ran to the room where Lusani was and I got the complete shock of my life. Lusani was lying lifelessly on the floor…someone killed him, he didn’t do this, he couldn’t have done this because he was tied up when I left…I let out a very loud growl and dug my nails on my head as I figure out what to do next
Stacy:” it needed to be done Eugene” f*** no…she didn’t, not her…I turned around and looked at her
Stacy:” I did it to save you…what I did is revenge and what you were about to do is called destroying yourself and I couldn’t stand by and watch”
Me:” you killed him? F*** Stacy you killed Lusani? It wasn’t your place to kill him; you didn’t have to kill him!” I screamed so loud I could see fear in Stacy’s eyes. I went to her and she walked backward, I got to her and held her by her neck
Me:” how could you do this to me? Stacy how could you do this to me?” I was screaming in rage and at that moment I felt like all hope was lost, like I had nothing to live for. She looked at me and tried to remove my hands from her neck and she struggled, I let her go and she jumped at me and hit me so hard on the face…I looked at her in shock and she hit me again on the face…I was now totally enraged and could hurt her so bad but the woman hit me again
Stacy:” you are never ever going to mishandle me or any other woman like that ever again Eugene, I will have to die first before I have you mishandle me like that. I am your mother and even though I didn’t give birth to you, you know how much of a mother I have been to you…so no matter how angry you get….you don’t ever do that to me…never” her lips were trembling as she said that and she started crying and then walked away
Me:” Stacy I am sorry”
Stacy:” just f*** off Eugene, just f*** off” she said that and walked away
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