ZWI A PENGA – LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Chapter 6
EUGENE
I was trying to think about my grandfather being here…I didn’t understand what he could possibly be doing in South Africa. I mean I told him not to fly here for the funeral so why would he be here now? Something has to be wrong. F*** I was so worried. I got to OR Tambo at about 10 in the morning. I quickly drove to the hotel. I missed my woman already. Damn hopefully Paps was right about those idiots…hopefully they’ll keep her safe. Lusani had smsed me an address of the hotel at which paps was staying. He was staying at the Four Seasons Hotel. I decided that I had to go there first before going home. I decided to call Nthabi while driving. She took time to pick up but she finally did at the end
Nthabi:” hello”
Me:” hey baby sis…uhm how are you doing?”
Nthabi:” I don’t know…I am angry at you” okay I know my sister can be all dramatic so I had to play along
Me:” I know that Nthabi but you’ll thank me one day”
Ntahbi:” I doubt it”
Me:” okay…uhm I just wanted to hear your voice and to tell you that I will be home in an hour or two…I want us to spend the remaining hours of the day together before you board the flight”
Nthabi:” I don’t think I want to spend any time with you Eugene…you are taking my life away…you are taking everyone I love away from me so no thanks…I am still with my friends…I slept over and I will be back in the house at around one so that I can have enough time to pack…goodbye” and she hung up. I looked at my phone and shook my head. No matter how angry she gets…she was going to Mexico…I couldn’t risk losing her.
So I got to the hotel and went straight to Paps room. I knocked and the old man opened. I immediately smiled when I saw him. Damn I loved this old man. He was a bit shorter than me and couldn’t stand up straight well
Me:” Paps…Grand pa” I said that hugging him…I hugged him for longer than I wanted to. I couldn’t let go. I stayed like that holding my old man for a while. I suddenly felt emotional and wanted to cry…God I didn’t know how much I needed him to be here with me until now. I broke the hug and rubbed my eyes
Me:” God paps you are really here” I said trying not to cry
Paps:” I will do anything for you Eugene” he looked at me with those eyes…you know those eyes that parents give their kids when they are feeling sorry for them…he gave me that look
Me:” don’t look at me like that grand pa please” I said that and walked in and closed the door
Paps:” you hurt my feelings Eugene…you look miserable” I smiled
Me:” now you sound like grams…how is she anyway?” he smiled
Paps:” she is worried about you”
Me:” I will call her and let her know that I am okay”
Paps:” but you are not okay Eugy” I sat on the couch
Me:” why are you here? I thought I made it clear that you shouldn’t fly all this way for me” I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything but he was too old to be sitting in a long flight for a grown man like myself
Paps:”Isabella” he called out…I frowned looking around. I saw her walking out of the bathroom. She stood at the door and gave me a shy smile. Oww f*** it he didn’t…oww no man he didn’t do this…why did he brought her here?
Me:” Paps?” I whispered to him with shock on my face
Paps:” I had to”
Me:” what?” I couldn’t believe that he brought Rod’s daughter here…to me. I snapped out of it and walked to her with a smile on my face. She knew that I was her brother…I used to visit her a lot but now I didn’t visit that much.
Me:” look at you…wow you’ve grown” she giggled looking at me. Isabella was 10 years old now…I don’t know how Paps took her from her adoptive parents…I knew what he was trying to do….he was trying to stop me…he knew how I felt about the girl…damn grand pa. She was a bit taller now and had long black hair…she was just a normal Mexican girl
Me:” come to your big brother” I went to her and scoop her up and spun her around the room while I giggle with her. Paps just stood in the middle of the room and looked at us and smiled
Me:” you miss me?” I said looking straight into her eyes while she was still in my arms
Bella:” a lot…you don’t come for me anymore” I giggled
Me:” ncooo Eugy got to work sometimes”
Bella:” everyday?”
Me:” yep everyday”
Bella:” oww I am in a hockey team…I made it” she said that and giggled
Me:” whaaaat…oww my God…Paps did you hear that? She made it to the hockey team…oww my my…my little sister is a sporty girl” I was tickling her and she laughed so hard. I put her down while she laughs
Me:” so…so you’re gonna show me how to play before you leave?”
Bella:” mhmmm I think you should come to my school and watch me play” this child though
Me: “okay deal”
Bella:” you are really going to come?”
Me:” anything for my girl…how is mommy and daddy?”
Bella:” they are happy…I asked them how you are my brother and they just said you are…like are you their kid too? You look old though…did they also adopt you?” okay she’s grown now…too grown up for my liking and she was starting to ask questions…
Me:” uhm…well” I looked at paps
Paps:” Isabella come” she ran to him…oww thank you.
Paps:” can you go to your room and eat some snacks that I bought for you? I wanna talk with your brother here”
Isabella:” okay…I will l be back when I am done though”
Paps:” cool” the girl walked out of the room
Me:” Grand Pa what was that? How could you bring her here? And please don’t tell me that you kidnapped her…does her adoptive parents know?”
Paps:” yeah I told them I needed her for few days and they agreed. I haven’t seen the girl in years so it wasn’t a big deal…she knows that I am her grandfather so she was also happy to be with me”
Me:” but Paps you know we are not supposed to have that girl with us. Yes we do visits but that’s all…we are supposed to just visit her and not this” I was now standing in the middle of the room throwing my hands around
Paps:” Eugene I had to try and stop you…I have to try and make you see reason”
Me:” and she is one?” I said pointing to the other room
Paps:” she needs you Eugy…you can’t risk your life like this. I won’t be able to live with myself if I lose you too please”
Me:” I can’t believe you brought Rod’s child here”
Paps:” see? You are freaking out because you want her safe so who will keep her safe when you are not there?”
Me:” I have more reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this but I am doing it anyway okay? Andani is pregnant for starters so I hav-“
Paps:” wait a minute…she is what?” oww I forgot I hadn’t told him
Me:” yeah I am going to be a father and that’s why I need to do this…I can’t have enemies walking around” the old man sat on the couch and looked at me in disbelief
Paps:” she is pregnant? And you are still doing this? You are starting a fight Eugy…from what I heard…that guy said he is not going to fight you…all he wanted was to avenge his brother’s death and unless you start a fight he said he won’t give you any…just let it go son”
Me:” no…I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder every time. What if he comes back again and demands what his brother demanded huh? I’d rather risk losing it all now than losing it all in a year or two….if I am losing everything then it has to be now…I am not going to wait around for that man to attack me” the old man covered his face with his hands and then looked back at me
Paps:” so you won’t change your mind?” I looked at him and shook my head. He stood up and gave me his back
Paps:” you know when Rod and his wife died…I lost a lot of myself Eugy…at least you were there…you and Isabella, you gave me and my wife something to live for…we felt that Rod left us with something. The two of you were like our only connection to our son. Even though we couldn’t stay with both of you but knowing that you are fine somewhere was enough to give us the courage to go on…I can’t lose you Eugy…my wife won’t survive” I walked to him and took his hands while looking at him…I took a deep breathe
Me:” you are not trusting me…you think I will fail”
Paps:” you have a baby on the way…you can always move to Mexico with us…you know we would love to have you there”
Me:” I am sorry Paps” he removed his hands from mine
Paps:” okay if you really want to do this then how about you let the twins help you? They are good Eugy…at least with them by your side I will know you’ll make it” Eugene laughed
Eugene:” I actually feel insulted right now…you trust Ndiv and his twin over me…wow”
Paps:” it’s not that…you’ll be doing this on your own…okay let me help then”
Me:” noo...you need to rest grand pa…that’s all you need…I am actually offended about your lack of faith in me…I am going to do this alone and no one is going to stop me…actually nobody even know how I am feeling right now…nobody knows how I feel knowing that I got my sister killed…I have to kill him and that’s the only way for me to get some peace okay?”
Paps:” leave”
Me:” what?” I was shocked
Paps:” I want you out of my hotel room…I will book the next flight back and I am taking Isabella back to her parents”
Me:” paps”
Paps:” just go” he was angry at me
Me:” I am sorry”
Paps:” I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand that we can’t lose another son…just go” I slowly walked to the door
Me:” can I go spend some time with her?”
Paps:” no”
Me:” when you book the ticket include my sister…she will take the flight with you…I had booked one for her already but if the times differ then she’ll take yours”
Paps” ok….now go” I walked out of the room and all the way to the parking.
I took out my phone and called Andani. I was seriously feeling bad right now…Paps was making me feel so bad. Andani immediately picked up my call
Andi:”Eugene”
Me:” hey my cupcake…you’re still okay?”
Andi:” I don’t know Eugene”
Me:” what? Babe are they giving you trouble?”
Andi:” why do you have to think that it’s them? They are very friendly actually…you are my problem Eugene”
Me:” I honestly don’t like you calling me Eugene after every sentence…it makes me angry”
Andi:” do you wanna know what makes me angry? The fact that I have lost my friend today because I can’t tell her the reason why I am away”
Eugene:” oww...i am so sorry about that”
Andi:” Vhusani had been with me through thick and thin Eugene…I am talking about someone who took my two years old son and stayed with him after my divorce because I was a mess and couldn’t look after him…she came and check on me every day…she…she’s always been there for me and I am failing to do this one important thing for her”
Me:” I am sorry my love”
Andani:” I am losing everything because of you. I am putting you first in everything…lately it’s been all about Eugene want this and Eugene need that. Look at where I am and where my son is? Reason why? You want me to be safe because you can’t lose this baby I am carrying and because you are too selfish to let go of your revenge…and now…now I have lost my friend” she was crying…I stood there and felt my heart breaking…the pain I felt was nothing new…I had been in pain since I found out about my sister…it’s been the only feeling I knew for a while now
Me:” I am sorry” I whispered the words”
Andani:” goodbye” she hung up on me. I stood there and looked up on the building thinking about everything. Everyone didn’t want me to do this…my grandfather didn’t want me to do this…Andani didn’t want me to do this and Lusani who was my right hand man also didn’t want me to do this.
THEMBULUWO
I was sitting outside with my brothers while Tshililo was in the house with Andani. We were sitting on the picnic table with drinks all over
Ndiv:” so I looked into this Eugene clown”
X:” and?”
Ndiv:” mhmm well he is quite good…I am kinda disappointed because I didn’t expect him to have such a reputation”
Me:” ow?”
Ndiv:” don’t look at me like that…he got nothing on me” he smiled
Me:” so what did you find?”
Ndiv:” he is good in his game…well what he said about his sister is true…she was killed by some clown whose brother Eugene killed…the dead brother’s name was Gola…he is from somewhere in central Africa…I forgot the country but his brother is quite good…he is not someone you blindly walk into…he is full of surprises”
X:” so between Gola’s brother and Eugene…who do you think stand a chance?”
Ndiv:” the problem with this Eugene guy is that he is too emotional right now and Gola’s brother obviously knows that…so I can tell you right now that Eugene is walking into a lion’s den”
Me:” that bad?”
Ndiv:” his sister was killed last week so obviously the guy is waiting but no…brother Eugene thinks he owns the world…well, he’ll die and we will see what to do with the girl…she’ll probably go home”
X:” so we aint gonna help?” Ndivhuwo looked at us and smiled
Ndiv:” I am not running a charity case bruh…plus we said we are out mus…no more dealings…we don’t even know this guy so his death means nothing to us”
Me:” you are right…we can’t put our family in danger because of someone we don’t even know”
Ndiv:” exactly my p-“ his phone rang
Ndiv:” let me take this…hello….yes…yah…what? …yohh…uhm…yohh let me think about it”
X:” and?”
Ndiv:” its Rod’s father…the man who asked me to look after the girl…he is asking another favour…he wants us to back Eugene up without him knowing about it…he is offering some serious cash”
Me:” and what did you say?”
Mndiv:” that I will think about it…by that I mean we should discuss it”
X:” we don’t even have the equipment’s anymore…we have nothing…we gave it all up remember?” Ndivhuwo looked at us and smiled….oww noo
Me:” you didn’t”
Ndiv:” you didn’t honestly think I’ll get rid of everything did you?”
X:” piss off” he laughed
Me:” shiaaattt” we all laughed
Ndiv:” so do we help or we let him die?”
ZWI A PENGA – LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Chapter 7
X:” I am seriously not sure hey…I mean putting ourselves out there again…who knows…what if he has more allies who might come after us?”
Me:” I hear you but helping Eugene will mean that he gets to be on our side meaning that if something happens then we have a bigger team”
Ndiv:” I will back him up because I respect his old man and because I need some cash”
X:” you used the word ‘I’”
Ndiv:” and it wasn’t a mistake…I am doing this alone”
Me:” a joke right? I mean you can’t possibly be serious”
Ndiv:” I promised to take our family out of all this and I did so if I am helping Eugene then I am doing it alone…Xolani you need to go back home, I am sure Zoli misses you already and Thembuluwo you need to be here with your wife and Andani…you need to be here for them…just in case”
Me:”bu-“
Ndi:” no buts brothers…I am doing this alone. I am not scared of that guy and beside it’s not like I am going to war…I will watch the fight and if I see that Eugene is obviously losing then I will step in that’s all”
X:” no…not when you are on your own”
Ndiv:” I know people…so there are few people who owe me favours so I will get three guys to be with me during all this. You know I am good guys…I don’t need a crowd and if it gets bad and I lose then…at least you’ll be safe”
Me:” I am honestly not happy with that”
X:” he shouldn’t even be doing it”
Ndiv:” I know but it is what it is guys…I am doing this…now can we forget about the business talk and drink and just be merry?”
Me:” I am still not happy with you doing this on your own though” Tshililo and Andani walked out of the house. They were in shorts and some sneakers and vests…okaaaay
Me:” Are we missing something here?” they walked to us
Tshili:” how about playing some games?” she said with a smile…we all just looked at each other and back to the girls
X:” what do you have in mind?”
Tshili:” we can play soccer for starters”
Ndiv:” I say we go to the beach…we can play volley ball, soccer or one of those indigenous games we used to play as kids”
Andi:” I love that idea” she said looking at Ndivhuwo with a big smile on her face…okay hopefully this girl wasn’t going to fall for brother Ndivhu because that would really cause us more problems than we can swallow
Tshili:” then why are we still standing here? Let’s get ready already”
Me:” everything we need is in the garage”
TSHILILO
So we all went to the garage and took out soccer balls, cricket bats and a cricket ball, tennis bat and everything we needed for the day. Andi and I went to the house to get the picnic equipment’s, from the camp chairs to towels to umbrellas. We hadn’t cooked yet so we decided that we’ll eat out or just buy takeaways. We then got inside two cars…yep I drove in Andani’S Benz and the guys drove together in the hired vehicle because the Ashton wasn’t gonna allow all of them to fit in.
We then drove to the beach…before the beach we drove by Garden Route mall to get ourselves some snacks and more drinks. After that we went straight to the beach. We decided to go to a different place this time…Wilderness was the closest one and we always go there so we decided to go to Buffalo Bay instead. We got there and parked the cars at the parking. Andi and I got out of the car and just stood in front of her car looking at the water.
Andi:” this is beautiful” she said with a smile
Me:” I am happy you are here…I don’t know how to explain it but I feel different” she looked at me not understanding what I was talking about
Me:” maybe one day you’ll understand” I said that and giggled.
I was telling her the truth though. Having her here kinda made me feel better. I don’t know what it was but something changed in me. Maybe the fact that I wasn’t really the only woman in this changed something in me. I mean ever since I came back from Kenya I battled to spend time with my friends…I’d been very distant from them ever since but with Andani it was all different...i didn’t mind having her here with me.
We looked around and we saw houses just close to the coastline and a shop right there…okay so maybe we could eat our lunch right there. I couldn’t believe that I’d been in George for years and never ever thought of coming here…well I didn’t even know they had such a beautiful beach over here
Ndiv:” so…which one is first on line?” he said as the guys walk to us
Andani:” swimming is first on line” she giggled and ran to the water and left us standing in the parking
Me:” none of ya’ll can beat me” they all gave me thee looks
Me:” what? Ask your brother over there…madam Tshi is a good swimmer”
X:” just because your husband is not a good swimmer doesn’t mean that we are like him”
Ndiv:” I can’t believe that this girl is challenging us…I really cannot”
Ndivhuwo said that with a smile and then turned around and ran to the water where Andani was already wet.
We didn’t bring bikini’s…nope we were in shorts. Reason for that was that I for one didn’t want to be half naked in front of Ndivhuwo and Thembu…I couldn’t have my ass wiggling the whole afternoon with Ndivhuwo around…Thembu wouldn’t be comfortable with that…at least if there was no history between me and Ndivhuwo…Plus Thembu and I were not having sex so I didn’t want to make this hard for him. As for Andi…she had her own man and she said that she didn’t want to look like she was trying to get it on with the guys…with Thembu and Xolani married she said she felt that it wasn’t right and she knew that her Eugene wouldn’t really like it…he’ll actually go crazy…her words not mine.
We all ran to the water…Xolani came with a surf board. Even to this day I still don’t understand why we had that surf board in the house. I mean none of us can surf but you know black people with money…we just want to buy things because we can afford them nje. It’s the same thing people do with fashion…they will be buying awfully expensive clothes but still fail to wear them and look good and all they are concerned about is that I look expensive.
Ndiv:” what’s with the surf board? Can you even use that thing?”
X:” bruh I don’t have to stand on this thing…I can always sit or lay on it and play in the water…even white people do that”
Andi:” but white people can also surf…it’s called a surfing board…not a sitting or sleeping board…but anyway its none of my business” ouch…bruh we went crazy and laughed so hard…kanti this girl was like this neh? She was so going to fit it
Thembu:” you know what? You’ve officially become one of us my sister…”
X:” okay Andi you are being like that now huh?” Andani laughed
Andi:” uhm…well I am sorry I suppose”
Ndiv:” I suppose” he continued laughing
Me:” so do you guys still wanna take me on on swimming?”
Ndiv:” just for the argument sake…let’s do this” he said with that smile that made my heart melt…f*** life man I loved Ndivhuwo too
Thembu:” I know my baby is the best so I won’t even try to compete with her…I will be the judge”
Andi:” swimming is not my thing too…I am waiting for volley ball…so I will also be the judge”
X:” okay madam Tshi…let’s do this” the guys were all in shorts and no t shirts
Ndiv:” and please let’s keep in mind that this is not a swimming pool so please madam Tshili we don’t want you to get swallowed by the waves while trying to prove a point please” I rolled my eyes
X:” and the waves will also be pushing us back though”
Tshili:” and if you are good you’ll be able to make it”
Ndiv:” so which one is our turning point then?”
Tshili:” uhm there will be that issue…can we just agree that I am good?”
Ndiv:” nope…let’s just swim for few seconds and they will tell us who was our number one”
X:” let’s do this” so we all got ready and then walked a bit deeper so that we may start swimming. It’s difficult to swim with the waves pushing you out but hey I had to prove to these guys that I was the queen.
Andi:” you will all start in the count of three”
Thembu:” 3, 2 , 1...go” we all dived in and started swimming. After what felt like a long distance nyana of swimming I turned around and went back…Xolani and Ndivhuwo also came back after sometime
Ndiv:” so?” he said that while he was dripping with water
Andi:” uhm” it looked like Andani was speechless…was she having a thing for Ndiv? I wanted to dance at the thought…no ways
Thembu:” we took a video so you can all just check” we stood there three of us and watched a video
Me:” I told ya” I said that and did a naenae as my way of celebrating
X:” now can we move on to the next game already” Thembu and Andani laughed
Thembu:” I told ya’ll that my woman is the best” he came to me and gave me a peck on the mouth
Ndiv:” mhm I can’t believe that she is actually better than me”
X:” I know right?”
Andi:” can we swim some more before proceeding to the next game? Who knows maybe I will learn”
Ndiv:” happy learning girly” he said that and ran to the water…Xolani and Thembu also followed him
Andi:” so…he is not married huh?” I smiled
Me:” nope”
Andi:” it’s weird though” I laughed out loud…she liked him
Me:” what’s weird?”
Andi:” he is cute and funny and looks strong….he should be married”
Me:” you like him” I said with a smile…she waved her hand at me
Andi:” I am engaged so nope I don’t like him” I found myself laughing…Ndivhuwo was just hot and this girl right here was the victim of his charms
Me:” let’s go swimming now shall we?”
EUGENE
What I had today is what you can call a long day. Paps couldn’t find a flight for today so he was leaving first thing tomorrow morning along with my sister. I didn’t even get the chance to introduce Nthabi to Rod’s father…I guess I will have to do it tomorrow…I had to tell her that he was a business associate of mine…I couldn’t tell her what he was to me because she wouldn’t understand.
So I was at home in Cape Town when someone knocked on the door. I casually went to open the door without a worry. I got the complete shock of my life when I found my parents standing at the door with smiles on their faces…what the hell?
Me:” mom? Dad?” I was seriously appalled…what the hell was this? I thought i…i…k…what was going on?
Mom:” my Eugy” I just stood there motionless and looked at them
Dad:” you are not going to let us in?”
Me:” uhm...well…c...come in” I opened the door wide for them to get inside. I was still horrified…I killed my parents...who the hell were these people
Me:” you are dead”
Mom:” dead? Honey we didn’t die…look who else is with us?” Tebogo opened the door and walked in…f*** this can’t be. I ran to my bedroom and they both followed me
Tebogo:” we will always be here Eugene…we are not going to leave you” I started crying in fear
Me:” but…mom....dad…I was only 15…I am so sorry” I said that and sobbed
Tebogo:” you killed them…your own parents Eugene…you killed them…you deserve nothing but pain” pain? I’d been in pain ever since
Me:” I am paying for it all I swear”
Mom:” what happened to you? My sweet little boy” the look on her face broke me even more
Dad:” you think you’ve paid? Look at this?” like a screen I saw the people I had tortured…I saw them dripping of blood and I saw myself looking at them with a smile
Mom:” this is what you’ve become? What happened to you?”
Me:” I don’t know how it happened mom I swear” I said crying
Dad:” and you blame me huh?”
Me;” no…i…uhm...i don’t” my whole body was shaking and I was wet from sweat
Mom:” you are a failure Eugene…you failed me” the words from my mother’s mouth cut even deeper…I felt like I had bile on my mouth….i couldn’t even talk anymore…all I could do was cry and shake in fear and regret and pain
Tebogo:” I hate you…I wish I knew what you were the whole time…you took me away Eugy” I saw all of them walking away from me…I got up and ran to them
Me:” please don’t go…mom please don’t go”
Mom:” you did this Eugene” I saw them disappearing into nothing
Tebogo:” goodbye Eugene” I heard her echoing voice as she disappeared into nothing…I fell down on my knees and cried like a baby. The pain in my chest was unbearable…it was as if I had killed my parents all over again and this time around the pain was even more excruciating… I kept on seeing my mom’s face and how disappointed she looked.
I then woke up in a cold sweat…I was dreaming. I was in my bed and was covered with blankets…so everything was a dream? It was all a dream? I touched my chest with both my hands and I could feel it beating faster and then I felt a sharp pain that felt exactly like the one from the dream…God I felt like this was going to take me out. I got out of bed and looked around…I was in a different house…this was my Joburg house and in the dream I was in Cape Town. I got out of bed with tears on my face…I didn’t even know what to do with myself. The nightmares where at it again. I walked to the balcony and stood there for some fresh air…the air was not doing it for me so I went to the shower and took a cold one. After a long time I came back to the bedroom and checked the time. It was past 2 in the morning. I took my phone and called Andani…I know she was sleeping but I wanted to talk to her.
ANDANI
I slept quite late because after playing and laughing and just being crazy at the beach we came back home and had a little braai. This family had a bunch of crazy people and maybe they were just what I needed in my life. I was happy while spending an afternoon with them, i didn’t feel left out or like I was not part of the family…as much as so many things were not going well in my life…I was happy to be here
I was deep in my sleep when someone called me. I took the phone and checked the caller…it was Eugene...i hung up the phone and checked the time...it was past two. After everything he had stolen from me he also wanted to steal my sleep? Please I needed some peaceful sleep. He called again and I still hung up. After a while he sent a text…f***. I took it and read
“Please Andani I need to talk to you” I angrily sat on the bed and called him…he immediately picked up
Me:” after everything you stole from me you also wanna steal my sleep? No Eugene just leave me alone okay? I am where you want me to be now hurry up with your silly revenge so that our lives can finally go on because right now we are all at a stand still”
Eugene:”cupcake” okay his voice sounded funny
Me:” I want to sleep Eugene”
Eugene:” I know…I am jus….Andani I can’t” he said that and broke down. Okay something was wrong
Me:” baby what’s wrong? Cupcake what is going on?”
Eugene:” they are haunting me Andi…they are all haunting me baby…I don’t know what to do” he broke down again…yohh I felt my heart breaking into pieces…so the nightmares were back and this time around there was his sister to add to the list of family members he felt responsible for killing
Me:” you had nightmares?”
Eugene:” it was as if they were all really here…I saw my mom…Andani I miss her…I took her away from myself, from my sisters...from everyone…they all hate me…I feel like I am 15 again and that I just killed them again…oww my God it hurts Andi” I went silent and just let my tears fall…I was hundreds of kilometres away from him…what could I possibly do? I couldn’t possibly hug him
Me:” uhm it’s just a dream baby…you know that it was all a mistake and you were only 15 cupcake…you can’t keep blaming yourself for this”
Eugene:” I don’t want to blame myself believe me I don’t want to but they visit me in my sleep…what am I supposed to do?”
Me:” uhm…can I sing for you?”
Eugene:” huh?”
Me:” you can put the phone on the speaker and let me sing for you until you fall asleep and I will keep singing until I fall asleep…how about that?”
Eugene:” you can really do that?”
Me:” anything for my cupcake” I heard him giggle
Eugene:” okay lets here it” I giggled too and then started singing
”pulling me further, further than I’ve been before…making me stronger, shaking me right to the core, oh…I don’t know what’s in the stars, never heard it from above, the world isn’t ours…but I know what’s in my heart, if you aint mine, I’ll be torn apart
I don’t know whos’s gonna kiss you when I am gone…so I’m gonna love you now, like it’s all I have…I know it’ll kill you when it’s over…I don’t want to think about it, I want you to love me now”
And so I kept singing for him…the things we do for those we love though.
ZWI A PENGA – LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Chapter 8
ANDANI
That day I slept very late…I am not sure what time I fell asleep…I think I slept after him because he went quiet and then I could hear his breathing on the line. I woke up the following morning feeling tired. I took my phone and I found a text. It was him
“I can’t even begin to express my gratitude towards. Even though I know that I am not God’s favourite person but I feel blessed to have you in my life. You are like my own personal gift from God and for that reason I will always be thankful for having you in my life…thank you so much Andi, I don’t know what I could do without you, you mean the world to me…you mean everything to me…thank you”
I smiled alone after reading the message…I decided to reply
“It’s all my pleasure cupcake. You showed me that I can be loved…even with the baggage of trust issues from my previous relationship you accepted me…you also loved my son like he is your own so this is the least I can do”
After sending that sms I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face and then I went back to my bedroom and wear something lookable. This wasn’t my house so I couldn’t walk around in my undies or my pyjamas. I wore my leggings and a vest. I looked at myself in the mirror and my tummy still looked flat. I hadn’t even told Tshililo about the baby yet…maybe I should let her know. I was feeling down and a bit sad…I was worried about Eugene…the state he was in when he called me was really heart-breaking…I wish I could do more for him but there was nothing I could do for him right now. I was also worried about Vhusani…she was still angry at me and hadn’t said anything since our call. I was feeling really bad. I hadn’t called Lala and inform him that I was not going to be able to organise the wedding anymore…I had to do it sometime soon though. I walked out of the house and found the family sitting in the lounge eating breakfast…wow I woke up late shame, I couldn’t even help Tshili with breakfast…I felt bad.
Tshili:” late night calls I bet” she said looking at me with a smile. I gave her a faint smile…I went to join the family and sat on the one seater couch…Tshililo was sitting with her husband and Xolani was alone…Ndivhuwo wasn’t there.
Me:” morning guys”
X:” hey”
Tshili:” you can go to the kitchen and dish up for yourself love…I left some for you”
Me:” nope I am cool thanks…I just need some air…I hope you all don’t mind”
Thembu:” no…not at all” I walked out of the house and sat in the garden…I wonder where Ndivhuwo was.
TSHILILO
X:” it seems like something is wrong with her” he was eating
Tshili:” nope…I think she just miss him and she is worried about him…I know that feeling”
Thembu:” mhm okay…uhm your flight is in an hour neh?” he was looking at Xolani
X:” yep I leave in an hour…I can’t wait to see my wife actually…where is Ndivhuwo?”
Thembu:” uhm I don’t know”
Tshili:” s***”
X:” what?”
Tshili:” he left”
Thembu:” f*** I should have known…why didn’t I think of it…he did the same thing last year”
X:” guys what is going on?”
Me:”Roli died today…it happened on this days”
X:” owww s***…you think he is going to do the same thing he did last year?”
Thembu:” I don’t know…nobody knows what Ndivhuwo can do…worst part of it all is that he is always laughing and smiling with us…he never shows his emotions so how could we have known that he will leave again?”
Tshili:” last year he left for a week and nobody knew where he was”
X:” and he came back and acted normal as if nothing happened…he didn’t even give us a chance to comfort him or something”
Thembu:” I feel bad…in fact I feel like kak”
X:” you do know that we are over that right? Like you can’t still blame yourself for what happened to Roli” we all sat there and said nothing
X:” I am done eating…I am gonna go check on that Andani girl and then Thembu you can drive me to the airport” Xolani got up and left. I collected the plates and went to the kitchen with Thembu following me
Thembu:” I know what you are trying to do?”
Me:” what am I trying to do?”
Thembu:” you don’t want to think about what happened two years ago…about Tshedzatshashu” I looked at him and smiled
Me:” there is no need dwelling on it…it’s never gonna change anything” he reached from his pockets and took out a piece of paper
Thembu:” I booked you into a spa…you can go spend your day there and have some relaxing time please…I will cook dinner tonight and we can cuddle and relax at night okay? I love you and don’t say no to this. I want you to take a break from thinking and everything else and just relax okay?” I didn’t want to start thinking about the baby I had lost…I wanted to just act normal today…like nothing happened on this day
Me:” okay thanks” I was washing the dishes
Thembu:” stop that…go upstairs and get ready already” I giggled and gave him a peck on the mouth and ran up stairs
ANDANI
I was sitting outside in the garden with my legs stretched out
X:” hey” I turned around and saw Xolani walking to me. He came and sit next to me
X:” you don’t look too happy” I gave him a faint smile
Me:” is it that obvious?” so the men of this house were not only cute but were carrying too?
X:” yeah it is…what’s wrong? I hope it’s not us?” he said with a smile…I laughed a bit
Me:” nope you are off the hook…it’s not you guys”
X:” then what’s wrong?” I just looked at him and couldn’t quite make out if I should really talk to him or not
X:” it’s our job to make sure you are okay Andi”
Me:” well…I miss my best friend and she is angry at me because I lied about where I am I mean I can’t tell her that I am here and why I am here in the first place”
X:” oww that”
Me:” yeah that” he smiled
X:” try calling her again or send her a heartfelt message, just keep trying to reach out to her. If you really love this friend then you better fight for her…you can’t just give up on her okay?” I smiled…good advice coming from a man
Me:” thank you…I will try call her later today”
X:” good…uhm hopeful when I come back you won’t be here because I really want to see you happy so…your fiancée better be back soon”
Me:” where are you going?”
X:” home…wifey and daughter misses me” he said with a smile…it was obvious that he was in love with his wife and daughter
Me:” oww have a safe trip then”
X:” thank you and try to be fine please”
Me:” I will” I giggled
TSHILILO
After preparing myself I said goodbye to Andani and left. Thembu had taken Xolani to the airport and he said he will be back home in less than 15 minutes...i was not happy with leaving Andani all by herself even for 10 minutes but she told me not to worry and that she will be fine. I guess she was right…her fiancée was probably still planning the whole thing so nothing could happen to her as yet. I drove out of the house and all the way to the spa that Thembu booked for me. I parked the car at the parking. I was getting out of the car when a strange man came to me and pointed at me with a gun…I gave him a horrified look and he signalled with his head for me to follow him. God not this again. Thoughts about me being in Kenya flooded my mind and I started shaking in fear. This better not be them again…oww God what if they were back here for me? My heart started beating out of my chest and I started shaking. I couldn’t go back…I hadn’t even recovered yet and I was being taken again? I went to the van he showed me with my wobbly legs beating each other as I walk. He blind folded my eyes with a cloth as soon as I got in and tied my hands together and then drove away. I didn’t have my phone with me...the phone was in the damn car. Yeses I couldn’t believe that we were back to this stuff again…I started crying in fear…I couldn’t leave my family again…the thought of never seeing them again hurt like hell.
After driving for almost an hour the car stopped and someone came and opened the van and then carried me outside and walked a bit of a distance with me. I heard a door open and then I think we walked into some building. He then put me down and removed the blindfold from my eyes and walked away. I was already shaking by now. I looked around the room in fear and I wasn’t in a new environment…I knew the house very well…this was…well it was Ndivhuwo’s house. I was standing in the middle of the kitchen so I walked to the lounge in confusion, I was failing to understand what was happening…Ndivhuwo couldn’t possibly kidnap me could he? Did he wanted to run away with me? Oww nooo. I got to the lounge entrance and I stood at the door when I saw him standing and facing the window looking outside. He was in a black denim jean and a killer grey boots and a black long sleeved shirt…the sleeves were all folded up to his arm. I felt some sort of a relief when I saw him…not that I was glad to be here but at least it was Ndivhuwo and not some sick gangster
Me:” you kidnapped me” I said the words with my shaky voice and tears on my face. I was wearing my blue denim shorts and a vest and some sneakers…I thought I was going to a damn spa.
Ndiv:” I am sorry but you were not gonna come if I asked and Thembu wouldn’t have understood” he was still not looking at me
Me:” and you decided to kidnap me? Ndivhuwo do you have any idea how scared I was? I almost had a panic attack”
Ndiv:” I am sorry okay?” he turned around and walked to me and cupped my face. His eyes were red…he’s been crying
Me:” do you have any idea what could happen if Thembu finds out about this? About me and you being here alone?”
Ndiv:” I know”
Me:” and yet you did it anyway”
Ndiv:” I am sorry”
Me:” what does this mean? Why am I here?” I yelled. He let go of my face and then just looked at me
Ndiv:” I wanted to see you…alone”
Me:” Ndivhuwo you can’t keep doing this to me or to yourself it’s not fair on any of us…I am married…Ndivhuwo I am married to your damn brother please” I shouted the last word and fell down on my knees because I just didn’t have the strength anymore. I sobbed while I was down on my knees. I don’t know why but everything just hurt…I had this deep excruciating pain inside…I don’t even know where it was coming from but it hurt so bad. He came and knelt in front of me
Ndiv:” Tshili look at me”
Me:” I am sorry…Ndivhuwo I am sorry that I did this to you…I am sorry I hurt you like this but I am paying for it okay? It hurts…it hurts so bad to know that I did this to you…to know that I am responsible for your misery” I was crying
Ndiv:’ what? That’s not what I want you to feel…Tshililo please don’t” he tilted my face and forced me to look at him
Ndiv:” I called you here because I think I have good news for both of us” I straightened up my face and looked at him. I wiped my face with the back of my hands
Me:” what is it?” I said in a dark plain tone
Ndiv:” I am gonna let you go” I raised an eyebrow signalling for him to elaborate
Ndiv:” I have realised that what I have been doing is not good for either you or me. I need to allow you to be truly happy…I know it’s been hard for me but I might have found a way to move on. I don’t want to be this crazy person that follows you up everywhere and remind you every chance I get that you messed up my life…I wanna be happy and I know that you’ll be happy to see me happy because what you just said now…about how you are feeling…that’s not how I want you to feel my love. I want you to be entirely happy” I looked at him and said nothing. What happed? Why the sudden change of heart? God please don’t tell me that Roli was back from the dead because this was shocking…so much progress in just a day? I mean just yesterday he was busy telling me he can’t move on and now this? Roli was good with these kinda things…God please let me be hallucinating
Ndiv:” the way you are looking at me is not funny at all”
Me:” how do I know that it’s you?”
Ndiv:” huh?” I got up and stood a distance from him
Me:” you…uhm why the sudden change of heart?”
Ndiv:” you asked me to do it and I am doing all this to free you…to free both of us”
Me:” what time did you call me the other night when Thembu was back home?” he looked at me and frowned
Ndiv:” uhm past three in the morning…it was not at night”
Me:” what was the colour of my dress yesterday?”
Ndiv:” brown…Tshililo what’s wrong?” I breathed a sigh of relief so it’s him. I didn’t even want to bring up his twin’s name because it might make him emotional
Me:” never mind…so you say you are going to move on?” he nodded… He was now standing and looking at me
Ndiv:” definitely. I sat myself down and went back to the root of it all and I concluded that I failed to deal with my brother’s death and you happen to be the only person I had ever loved other than him and my daughter so I didn’t want to let go because I was afraid to find out how it might feel to not have anyone else inside…to not love anyone else…I mean he’s always been there…he’s always been in my heart and when he died I had you already so I wanted you to fill up that whole. I am letting go of you now”
Me:” how does it feel?”
Ndiv:” I don’t know…it’s a weird painful feeling but it will pass I guess. I need to learn to just be me first before I bring someone else into my life. I’ve been pretending like you’re still mine for two years now and I have also been pretending like he is still alive for two years now. I need to stop it and that’s how I can be able to move on…I want to dig up his grave and give him a proper burial with our family around and I need to ensure that I get him a death certificate…I will have to put his body somewhere where someone will find him and then the police will know about it and then we can take it from there. I can’t pretend like he is still alive forever. I know getting it out there will leave me vulnerable but at least I will find some peace and some closure…pretending like he is still alive hurts like hell… I still cry about it most nights…it’s not easy partying ways with someone who has been part of your life since you were still in your mother’s womb but hey…I had to be a man and move on” I looked at him with tears in my face…finally we got some breakthrough. I ran to him and hugged him so tight
Me:” you have no idea how happy I am to know that you are finally giving yourself a chance to have peace and to be happy…it hurts but you’ll be better with time. I know it’s gonna feel like you’ve just lost him all over again but at least now you are dealing with it unlike what you were trying to do when you were not accepting it” he broke the hug and looked deep into my eyes
Ndiv:” no matter what happens…whoever I meet Tshili…you will always be my number one…always…and I will always have your back”
ZWI A PENGA - LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Chapter 9
ANDANI
After Tshililo left i went to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast, i then went to the living room and watched TV while i eat. I don't even know why these people pay dstv because they never watched the damn TV, I'd never seen anyone watching it since i came here...it’s been off the whole time. Thembuluwo was not back and i thought about what Xolani had said about Vhusani... I had to take charge and be in control of my own life and save my friendship with her. F*** Eugene and his gangster life...i still had a life too and it was about time i take charge of my own life. I stopped eating and ran to the bedroom to get my car keys. I then ran outside the house and all the way to my car. I started the car and drove away. I was going back to Cape Town. I had to try and fix things between me and Vhusani, i couldn't lose my friend over this...that girl had been in my life through thick and thin and this was my time to prove to her that i can also be as supportive as she's been to me. I smiled as I took the N2 road leading to Mossel Bay... It felt good to do something like this for a change...to do what I wanted to do and not what i was ordered to do by Eugene.... I loved him and he loved me too but he'd been running the show ever since we met...Sometimes i couldn't even know who i was...i became what i thought he wanted me to be...i had been doing things for him a lot and nothing for myself so this felt great...i was doing this for me and for a moment i didn't even care about dying or being abducted or anything like that....all i wanted was to meet my friend. I wanted to make things right with her....i know she was not going to be angry at me forever but i had to show her that i also care about her...i had to make this right and not just sit around and look like i didn’t care about our friendship because i really did. I felt happy for a moment. I connected my phone to my radio and played Rae Sremmurd - Black Beatles.... Damn i put my sun glasses on and kept on driving. I know Eugene was going to be pissed when he finds out about this but hey...i was a grown woman and Eugene needed to learn to also understand that my friendship with vhusani was important. Vhusani was the girl that would have my back if Eugene happen to turn his back on me.
TSHILILO
We broke the hug and looked at each other...he bent over to me and his lips almost touched mine.
Me:" Ndivhuwo don't" I said while my eyes got teary
Ndiv:" just this once"
Me:" i am still...i can't " he smiled and then walked away from me
Ndiv :" so...you and my brother, it’s really working out huh?"
Me:" we are trying”
Ndiv:" good for you"
Me:" yeah"
Ndiv:" he told me you haven't...you know" i looked at him in shock
Me:" he did?" i couldn't believe that Thembuluwo told Ndivhuwo about our sex life...well i can’t even call it sex life because i don't think it qualifies to be a sex life because there was no sex involved
Ndiv:" yep...he was telling me how much you mean to him...i gotta say he did me proud...he is giving you what you deserve" he sat on the sofa and i went to sit next to him
Me:" and you? Have you been with anyone? " he laughed
Ndiv:" sexually? Sorry to disappoint love but yep" i don't know why but i found myself laughing
Me:" ow...one woman or few?"
Ndiv:" just one...i am not the type to sleep around... She is my f*** buddy and that’s all" he was smiling that genuine smile
Me:" so you don't feel anything for her?" he shook his head
Me:" not at all? Seriously? " i didn't understand how you can willingly have sex occasionally with someone you don't feel anything for...I’d never done it before so i wouldn't know
Me:" it sounds weird though... How long have you been doing it?"
Ndiv:" few months now" wow
Me:" and the girl is fine with it? She is not demanding more? Are you sure she's not in love with you or maybe she is falling for you...i mean why else would she keep doing this?" he shook his head
Ndiv :" it’s not possible, she can’t fall for me...we don't talk or discuss things...we just have sex and make an appointment for next time...we do it every time i am back here"
Me:" and you've seen her ever since you came back?"
Ndiv:" not yet"
Me:" tell you what...next time you see her ask her out for lunch or dinner...try have some kind of a relationship... I mean your sex life is good and you are obviously compatible and that's why you keep on going back to each other so try a date" he laughed
Ndiv:" i am gonna have to see about that" we both laughed...my phone started ringing right at that moment. I took it out and it was Thembuluwo
Me:" it’s him" i said with visible fear on my face
Ndiv:" pick it up and hear what he wanna say...we can’t have him following you to the spa just because you are not picking up”
Me:" uhm yeah...yeah you are right" i picked up the call immediately
Me:" hello"
Thembu:" Tshililo she is gone... Please tell me she is with you...please tell me you are with her" okay i started panicking immediately
Me:" Thembuluwo what are you talking about? "
Thembu :" That Andani girl is not here and her car is not here too...i copied her cell phone number from your diary and the girl is not picking up" how stupid was this girl huh? So she decided to just run away?
Me:" so she ran?" dammit! Ndivhuwo quickly snatched my phone from my hand and put it on his ear wanting to talk but then i think he remembered that Thembu didn’t know that we were together because he opened his mouth and then closed it again and gave the phone back to me...he started pacing immediately
Thembu:"' i think she did...this whole time she was waiting for a moment to be alone”
Me:" uhm okay maybe she just went to the mall but i am coming home right away"
Thembu:" no baby you don't really have to...i will call Ndivhuwo and we will find her"
Me:" i wanna be there " i dropped the call and looked at Ndivhuwo
Ndiv:" She ran?" i nodded
Ndiv:" f*** how could she be so st-" his phone rang and he picked up
EUGENE
After paps, Isabella and Nthabeleng had left i went back to the house. I was going to have an appointment with DR Britz...after the dream i had last night i really wanted to see her. I was not even sure if she was going to be of help but hey i had to do it because Madam wanted me to do it. I drove to the house when i left the airport. Lusani's car was parked at the driveway...so he was here. I parked my car and then I walked inside the house and found Lusani sitting in the lounge. I stood in the middle of the room with my hands folded on my chest while looking at him. I was trying to find a reason not to kill him...i was trying to remind myself of how much he meant to me so that i don't do anything that i will regret later...i mean this boy was going out of his way to defy me...what does that mean?
Me:" one reason..." i said that while showing with my index finger that i really meant one reason
Me:" give me one reason why i should let you live? I want a reason why i should let you leave my house a breathing man-"
Lusani :" sir GEE i-"
Gee:" you what? Huh? Sir GEE what? You can't help yourself? Is that what you are saying to me? Is that why you keep going against my word? Lusani i keep telling you that i will kill you...i keep saying that but somehow you have climbed up on your high horse and you believe that i will never do it because i care about you...you once said that having Andani made me a softy...is that why you are doing all this because apparently i have grown a heart and i will spare your life at every turn? " i was f*****g angry
Lusani:" it’s not that...it’s just that... Uhm well you are not thinking straight and i had to call him" i looked at him and laughed
Me:" i wasn't thinking straight? " I walked to him and grabbed him by his neck and looked at him
Me:" tell me why i shouldn't kill you right now? First you made a move on my wife and then you tried to befriend her and then you questioned my decisions and now...now i am not thinking straight so you are calling the shots now i guess...i mean that’s why you called my grandfather to come here right? So that i can start thinking straight? Guess what? Not even he can change my damn mind" he started chocking and i let him go.
I then walked to the kitchen and left him there. I went straight to the drawer and took out a big knife. I walked back to the lounge with the knife...he saw me walking to him and he got up and tried to run but i quickly took out a gun and shot him on the leg...he fell to the floor and then he quickly looked at me with obvious shock on his face
Lusani:" Eugene!!" it was as if he couldn’t believe that i was the one who actually shot him
Gee:" i give you one rule boy... Just one rule...you respect me and that's all but you keep on breaking the rule every chance you get...you know i am impatient and that i don’t deal well with what you just did but yet you keep testing my patience because i let you off easily once" i didn't wanna hurt this boy i really didn't but at the rate at which he was going then i stood to lose more...he couldn't be trusted anymore
Lusani:" Eugene please i am begging you don't do this...i promise you i will do anything you say...i won't ever question you again...i will go back to Mexico and never come back but please just spare my life " he was crying...i knelt in front of him and watched him as he held on to his leg...he was obviously in pain
Me:" i have given you few chances but you keep begging for this...you keep begging me to be the one to end you"
Luu:" i am so sorry Gee… I have learned my lesson"
Me:" i am not going to teach you anything...i am going to kill you" i said that while holding the knife to his face.
I don't know man but at this moment i didn't care about him or who he was to me or how far we've come together... I just wanted him out of my life for now...i couldn't deal with any more problems he was going to create for me. I was going to give him a clean death...no torturing or unnecessary pain... I could use a gun to finish him off but knifes were more of my thing. I chose not to torture him because i was afraid that i would feel sorry for him and change my mind at some point and i knew i didn't want to change my mind, Lusani had to die. This boy could turn out to be my worst nightmare in the future, i couldn’t deal with a back stabbing animal like him. I was about to stab him when someone opened the door and screamed
"Stop...Eugene stop...what the hell are you doing?" it was a female voice...f*** what was Katlego doing here? I looked at her still with a knife in the air
Me:" leave " i was not looking at her or Lusani
Katlego:" what are you doing to him? He is your friend Eugene... Your only friend, more like your brother and you just wanna end him? Just like that? Whatever he did i am sure you can sit down and talk about it...you've just lost a sister you can't lose him too...you'll go crazy” I just sat there and said nothing...i was actually silently praying that she'll leave because i didn’t want her here or anywhere near me...especially at this moment...there was no telling what i could do to her
Me:" i said leave Kat...why are you even here?"
Kat:” i left my jacket and i was leaving for Cape Town today so i came to fetch it”
Me:” i will give you the money to buy 10 more jackets now leave”
Kat:" no, i am not letting you do it" i stood up and laughed while shaking my head. I looked at my wrist to check the time and it was almost time for my appointment with the Doctor. I walked to her and grabbed her by the neck
Me:” is this you trying to die? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Is that it?” she was battling to breathe
Kat:” Eu....g...” someone knocked on the door. I closed my eyes because i knew it was the damn Doctor...i was not even sure about seeing her anymore. I let go of Katlego and she fell to the floor
Me:” the two of you go to the bathroom. Katlego remove his bullet, i am sure you still remember how to do it...there is a first aid kit in the bathroom...all of you leave now” Katlego got up and looked at me with tears in her eyes...i looked at her and my damn heart broke...what have i become? Katlego went to Lusani and helped him up and they walked away. I then went to the door.
ZWI A PENGA - LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Chapter 10
EUGENE
Me:" hey Doc" i said trying to fake a smile... I made a way for her and she walked in
Dr:" hi...you look like a car accident... You look really bad" she said while walking in
Me:" my office then... You better be prepared to fix me" i know this was not the time to try and be funny but hey i was being honest...the Doctor better had her best techniques and quotes at hand for this...i was really feeling like a train smash. We got to my study room and i closed the door and locked
Me:" we've way passed the stage of me worrying about your confidentiality right? I mean i don't have to try and check if you are bugged like i used to" she gave me a smile
Doc:" i know better" i started pacing right away as i try to figure out what i was gonna have to say first to her...i don't even know where i was going to begin with all this. I didn’t realised it but i was now shaking and sweating as well
Doc:" Eugene sit down"
Me:" huh?" i was not looking at her
Doc:" i said sit down Eugene, stop pacing" i looked at her and sat on the chair. She came to me and took both my hands and put them on the table
Doc:" okay breathe in" i did as she asked
Doc:" breathe in and out" i did as she asked again
Doc:" again" i breathed in and out again
Doc:" again" i repeated the same thing again. She then stood from a distance and looked at me
Doc:" so how are you feeling now?"
Me:" relaxed a bit"
Doc:" good...now let’s start. It sounded really urgent when you called me to make the appointment. What's going on? Why are you tense like this?" she said that and sat on the chair opposite mine
Me:" my sister died...you know that because i informed you...what i didn't tell you is that she died because of me...i got her killed"
Doc:" it’s normal to blame yourself but it is of no help to do so Eugene... You need to accept her death and move on...it doesn't matter what or who caused it...the bottom line is that she is gone and she is not coming back"
Eugene:" you don't get it Doctor. The people who killed her where trying to get back at me for something i did" she went quiet for a while and then she finally spoke
Doc:" what i said still applies Eugene. She is not coming back...whether you got her killed or not...she won't come back and right now you can’t change what happened so accept her death and move on. I don't think that your sister would have wanted you to live your life with guilt" i got up because sitting was just not doing it for me anymore
Me:" i had a dream last night... I had a dream about her and my parents. They both hated me Doc...you should have seen the look on their faces...it was not funny at all...it broke my heart, i felt like i killed my parents all over again"
Doc:" you are dreaming about it because it was on your mind. You slept with this fear inside you and that’s why it came back in your dreams to haunt you...it was nothing but a dream"
Me:" i wish i can believe that"
Doc :" so do you plan on getting over this? Or you just wanna drown your sorrows and blame yourself until your dying day? I want to know"
Me:" i have a plan " she raised an eyebrow looking at me
Me:" revenge... I have to kill the guy behind my sister's death and then i will find peace" the Doctor stood up and went to the window and then looked at me...it was as if she wanted to make sure that what she was about to say comes out right
Doc:" why do you always think that killing a person is a solution? You killed your mom and your dad...how did that work out for you?"
Me:" the person i am about to kill is nothing to me"
Doc:" so you have no respect for human life at all huh? It means nothing to you i guess..."
Me:" okay doctor i am not paying you to judge me okay? I am paying you to help me become better. Right now my nightmares are back and maybe instead of judging me we should do something about that. I almost killed someone who is more like a brother and my ex girlfriend right before you got here...you see that? That’s what we should do something about....i wanna be better, i am too tense and too stressed and that's what i wanna talk about. My revenge is off the table because whatever you say it’s not going to change anything" she came back and sat down
Doc:" when last did you dance? Or do anything else other than focusing on your fiancée and your sister's death? Did you do any painting? " i shook my head
Me:" nope"
Doc:" we agreed that paintings and dancing are your coping mechanisms"
Me:" it’s hard to remember that crap when s*** is seriously hitting the fan"
Doc:" do you still want to kill your friend and your ex girlfriend and if i may ask…what did they do to deserve death?"
Me:" i don’t wanna kill them anymore although i feel that my friend deserves death. He is my right hand man and he should respect me and my decisions but lately he's been doing things his way...he even made a move on my fiancée. He wanna stop me from this revenge... He went as far as calling my grandfather to fly all the way from Mexico to here…the boy can't be trusted anymore"
Doc :" if you can't trust him why don't you just fire him? Just let him go"
Me:" what if i let him go and he gang up with my enemies and bring me down? I mean that boy knows me, he knows my weaknesses and how i think"
Doc:" i see your problem but you can't keep killing people like they are animals Eugene. You said you are good and i think you need to trust your abilities. What if killing that friend feels as bad as it does after killing your parents and for getting your sister killed... I want you to say these words after me"
Me :" okay "
Doc:" i am 32 years old and not 15"
Me:" i am 32 years old and not 15...this feels stupid... Remind me why i am doing this again?"
Doc:" just repeat after me"
Me:" okay” I rolled my eyes
Doc :" i am better than the 15 years old me "
Me:" i am better than the 15 years old me"
Doc:" i am better than i was yesterday"
Me:" i am better than i was yesterday"
Doc:" i forgive myself"
Me:" i forgive myself"
Doc :" i want to start over "
Me:" i want to start over"
Doc:" i apologise for everything" okay here is the funny part....i hated saying all this at first but then at the end I felt better...it did something in me...how strange
Me:”I apologise for everything”
Doc:"'whenever you are tempted to do something without thinking or when you are really really angry...just repeat these words quietly and you'll feel better...go to the gym or just put on some music and dance as you repeat these words....i am 32 years old and not 15, i am better than the 15 years old me, i am better than i was yesterday, i forgive myself, i want to start over and i apologise for everything "
Me:" thank you doctor"
Doc:" it’s my pleasure...you should take these sessions really serious and everything we say here should be treated as important...Your whole being depends on this...so here is the paper with those lines that i want you to practice"
Me:" thank you"
Doc:" always remember that this is a fight and that we all have an animal inside ourselves and it’s important to keep it on leash...we shouldn't let it go out because there is no telling what it could do...keep yourself in check and don't let the animal out. I know you said that revenge is off limit on our talks because you won't let it go but be careful out there and remember that killing someone who killed your sister won’t bring her back and it won't make grieving any easy"
Me:" i see"
Doc :" i think that's it for today...i will contact you so that we can make another appointment for next week but if you happen to want to see me before next week then just give me a call and we can work it out. I really want you to overcome this and be better"
Me:" i will"
TSHILILO
I got home and Ndivhuwo was already there. He was sitting in the lounge with Thembu
Me:" hey"
Thembu:" hey" he came to me
Me:" is she back yet?"
Ndiv :" nope"
Me:" and why are you all so calm? " i was already panicking
Thembu :" we don’t know for sure if she ran away so let's wait a bit"
Me:" God i have a feeling that something happened to her " i sat down together with Thembu
Thembu:" maybe she went to get herself something to eat…i mean pregnant women crave funny things "
Ndiv :" wait a minute…what did you say?"
Me:" oww crap she is what? If anything happens to that girl then i guess it’s gonna be us against that Eugene clown...i mean the girl is carrying his baby?"
Ndiv:" let’s hope it doesn't come to that and none of us should tell her fiancée what's going on until we find her"
Me:" now we wait for two hours?"
Thembu:" yeah now we wait"
Me:" so how do you know that she is pregnant? "
Thembu;" Eugene told me"
Ndiv:" oww so you are close then?" he frowned looking at Ndivhuwo
Thembu :" ahg no...we just talked the morning before he left and he told me about how nervous he is about it"
Ndiv:"'okay i see"
Me:" so what do we do so long? "
Ndiv:" we do anything else except worrying about her...I will be back here in two hours. Hopefully she will be back by then...i have somewhere i need to be"
Thembu:" sure thing" Ndivhuwo walked out of the door. Could he be going to his sex buddy? I smiled at the thought…maybe he called her for a short notice appointment....i couldn’t wait to see Ndivhuwo with a girlfriend
Thembu :" how are you feeling? " he moved closer to me
Me:" i am fine i guess…well maybe i am not fine…I don’t want us to go back to that life. We can’t go back Thembu and i feel like Andani is going to drug us back there again"
Thembu :" i understand why you are so scared to go back baby but we always make it out alive.. We are strong and we are fighters" he moved closer to me and i rested my head on him
Me:" it’s not about us being fighters and always making it out alive...it’s the emotional trauma that scares me the most. I don't think i am still that strong hardcore woman you know me to be...i am broken Thembu... I can’t handle guns and danger anymore. This life we are now living is what i want. I want a normal life, it really feels good to be normal for a change" he looked down on me and then bent over for a warm kiss
Thembu :" you will be fine nana"
Me:" thank you for the love nana" he kissed me again slowly this time around. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his lips against mine...i loved the arousing feeling that came along with his saliva as i felt its taste for the first time after a long time. I had already forgotten how it felt like to be with someone like this…to kiss someone like this. I sat up straight and looked at him
Thembu :" uhm i am sorry we can wait " i smiled at him and then went to him for another kiss...maybe we'd been waiting for something that's now here... I was feeling good, in fact i was feeling perfect... Kissing him like that didn't bring any bad memories like it used to. I sat on him and kissed him roughly... I was enjoying it. I helped him take off his t shirt and he was about to help me with mine when the door flew opened and Ndivhuwo walked in...f***
Ndiv:" oww uhm i am so so sorry...I'm just gonna go back" he gave us a fake smile and then walked out of the door
Thembu :" That was...."
Me:" creepy...we can't even make out in the lounge because our house is full of people"
Thembu :" this...what was about to happen. What does it mean?"
Me:" i guess it means we can try" he smiled
Thembu :" you mean like we can finally..."
Me:" yeah nana...you've waited for far too long" he smiled
Thembu :" say what....lets deal with this Andani saga and then i will make it special for both of us.. Its gonna be special" i smiled
Me:" i can't wait " he pulled me to him and hugged me
No comments:
Post a Comment