My Scars Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I knew my parents would be waiting for me outside somewhere so as soon as we made our way to the ground floor I excused myself from my colleagues and called my mom. My mom picked up her phone and told me they had parked just across the street. I walked out of the building where the sunlight filled the sky; it was a pure scattered light. After the cold morning I had, I stood outside for a brief moment and savoured the moment. I then looked around for my dad’s car. I spotted his car across the road and they got out of the car and waved at me as they see me looking at them. I was waving back at them and signalling with my hands that I am coming when I suddenly got a cramp on my hand and failed to wave further, my body shook and battled to breathe. Taking a deep breath, I briefly closed my eyes and saw his face on top of mine as he breathes heavily on top of me. It all played in my head like it had done a thousand times before. I looked across the road again and my whole body went weak and I wanted to run away. I felt like I was 10 years old all over again. Uncle Tom was with my parents and my guess was that he would have lunch with us. My eyes became teary as I recall how weak I was and how much of a loser I was. I was again reminded of the fact that I was not a Smith, seeing Uncle Tom made me feel that way. There is just something about rape; the rapist takes a lot from the victim. It’s not just about them forcefully penetrating themselves on you. It’s also about the fear that is instilled inside you and the self esteem and self love that gets stolen in the process...you lose a lot of yourself and you become what the abuser tells you.

I realised after a while that my parents were still waiting for me across the road. Damn, my legs were now wobbly and my knees kept on hitting each other as I walk. I really didn't want to be anywhere near him. I hadn't seen him since I came back to the country because he was travelling with his wife. When bloody hell did he come back? My inner voice screamed. I crossed the road and felt my blood running cold.   

"You look terrible what’s wrong?" my mom said as soon as I got to them.

"Having a bad day already?" 

Dad said opening his arms for a quick hug, the hug was brief and didn’t even last for 2 seconds.

“No... I am just... I’m too excited... Everyone is great” I was trying so hard not to tear up and sob right there, I was feeling dirty, more like a whore.

“Come” my mom said and opened her arms and hugged me, after that my dad hugged me again. After my dad Uncle Tom also came for a hug. God, I felt a sudden rush of fear and my inner person screamed so loud but on the outside I remained calm. He came and gave me a hug and I was totally horror-struck.

“It’s been years, I really hope you haven't allowed boys in there, I can’t wait for tonight” he whispered the words in my ear only for me to hear as we hug. I quickly broke the hug and pushed him away and then bent down to vomit, that's how sickening his scent was.

“Rox what's wrong?” 

Tom said sounding worried. I felt even sicker by the mention of ‘Rox’, I mean that’s what he called me when he was on top of me and I hated being called that.

“Pebble what's wrong?” dad was holding my head while mom knelt in front of me.

“Um... I am still a little jittery about the whole thing that's why” mom ran to the car and brought tissue papers.

“Here” she handed them to me and I wiped my mouth and then stood up with my dad holding me.

“Um about this lunch… I am sorry I won't be able to make it” I knew I didn’t have a choice but to cancel, I really couldn’t stomach the thought of spending 30 minutes with Tom pretending to be okay.

“What? Roxanne I came back last night and I am looking forward to spending some time with my brother and his family”

“I know that but...I already made plans with someone else”

“Ow?” mom said with a smile.

“He is a colleague and we work together so I am trying to get to know the place and the people around here” I looked at them and gave them my fake smile; I really wanted them to just let me go.

“As much as I hate the plan, you should get along with your colleagues” my dad was patting my back when he said that.

“So where is he?” she was looking around and that got me confused.

“Where is who?”

“The guy you are going on lunch with” ow crap! I didn’t think they would want to meet him, I mean he doesn’t even exist, and I had no idea where Zandi went and I also didn’t have his contact details.

“He is still inside the building and he will be here any minute, I think you guys should get going” I said going to the car and opening the Driver’s door for my dad.

“I think we should at least say hi” mom said. I swallowed and looked over to Uncle Tom who looked like he was about to murder me. God, how in a world was I going to get a guy? It was either that or lunch with Uncle Tom.

“Okay let’s wait for the boy then” dad said and smiled at me.

 "I am going to get him" I fake smiled at them and stood there ready to cross the road to another side.

I looked to the other side of the road for my bogus colleague; I really had to find someone so that my family would leave me alone. To my surprise, mom and dad came and stood next to me. I looked from my left and then right and then crossed the road and they followed me. I prayed silently asking God to give me someone I can introduce to my parents so they can get off my hair. I spotted one guy walking out of the building and I walked to him as fast as I could to make sure I get to him before my parents could get to me. I got to him and quickly grabbed his hand and leaned over to him.

"I am begging you please play along" I whispered on his ear. He looked at me like I was crazy...I was honestly hoping that he will play his part.

"So this is him?" you’d swear I had just told my dad I was getting married, he had this smile on his face, like he was thrilled to see the guy.

"Yes this is the Colleague I told you about...um these are my parents and mom, dad...this is...um…he…is…uh…" I looked at him and swallowed.

"Mpendvulo... I am Mpendvulo" he extended his hand and shook my mom's hand and then my dad's. I took a sigh of relief and smiled for real this time.

"Hi, it’s a pleasure meeting you" Mpendvulo said.

"A pleasure indeed" dad added.

"We will see you in the afternoon then?" mom said looking at me. Ow God no, I had to put a stop to this, I couldn’t be treated like a toddler anymore.

"Uhm about that...I-"

"What now? Don't tell me we can't come pick you up too" dad sounded irritated.

"You really don't have to drive all the way here, I will drive her" Mpendvulo looked at me and smiled.

I was glad I ran into him, he was playing this way better than I expected. I looked at him for a while and I noticed that Mpendvulo actually looked decent, he looked fine. He was not really tall but wasn't short either, he was just a bit taller than me, he wasn't dark skinned but was more of a chocolate brown skin colour, I think he must have been a size 32. He was wearing a white shirt tucked in neatly inside his brown chino pants and a brown shiny formal shoes. He was wearing glasses, and that made him look like a nerd. His hair was neatly cut, he had no beard at all and his lips looked pretty yummy.

"Ow, Um okay then" dad kissed me on the cheek and they walked away.

They walked to the car, and they waved at me before they got in. I looked at Mpendvulo and he was waving at them too with a big smile on his face... such an actor. They got inside the car along with Uncle Tom and drove off.

I took a sigh of relief and then turned around and looked at Mpendvulo.

"You have no idea how grateful I am for this, thank you so much and I am sorry for wasting five minutes of your lunch" he smiled.

"Actually, it was a little over five minutes so how about you thank me over lunch" ow God no.

"No no no you really don't have to, I don't want you to feel like I am forcing you to eat with me... that was all a show for my parents but they are gone now so we can just go our separate ways"

"Yeah, I am standing here with you so I saw them leaving, I want to have lunch with you as a thank you gift for the little role-play I did" I looked at him and blinked, was he serious? I wondered if he was serious but then I realised that he was actually serious when he looked at me with a smile on his face waiting for my reply.

"Wow, you’re really serious aren’t you?" the fear on my voice was evident, I didn’t even try to hide how afraid I was.

"Yes I am"  

"Um okay... Um since I initiated this whole thing... it will be on me"

"I am not about to have a woman pay for my lunch and this is not up for a discussion, it’s on me" he extended his hand to take mine and I looked at it. I then looked up at him and he was raising his eyebrows as if waiting for me to hold his hand.  I couldn't do it so I smiled at him instead.

"Lead the way then" he smiled and then led the way across the street to a very busy restaurant.

The restaurant wasn’t fancy at all; in fact it was just a regular restaurant. We got there, and he picked a table for us and then pulled a chair out for me. I sat on the chair and he went to sit opposite me. This was starting to feel like a date and I was not comfortable at all. I was thankful that he bailed me out of lunch with my parents and Uncle Tom but this was also starting to feel like another burden I had to endure. I kept my smile on though; I was trying my best to hide my true feelings and doing that was a skill I had excellently mastered over the years. I looked around the restaurant and it looked quite busy, I guess that’s what you should expect when you go to a restaurant at lunch time.

"So...those are your parents? Sorry I don't mean to be funny or anything but I am just curious" he said as soon as he sat down.

"No need to apologise, I get this a lot so I fully understand"

"Ow okay"

"And yes they are my parents. They wanted to take me out for lunch but I was not feeling up to it. I mean I understand that it’s my first day at work but it’s really not a big deal"

"Ow wow so it’s your first day?" he smiled.

"Sure it is" I returned a smile.

"Feeling nervous?"

"Not really" the waiter came to our table.

"Ready to order or you still need a moment?" I looked at Mpendvulo and realised that I haven’t had time to check the menu.

"Thanks, we are ready" he looked at me for approval; I had no idea what I was going to order.

"It’s okay; I will have whatever you are having"

"You’re sure?" I nodded.

"Yes I am sure" the waiter smiled at me and then looked back at Mpendvulo. He had his pen and paper ready.

"We will have pap and quarter chicken each, a bowl of coleslaw salad, gravy and two Appletisers please"

"Actually one Appletiser and one Coca Cola" I said looking at the waiter.

"Coming right up" the waiter said and walked away.

"It’s my first time here and I honestly don’t remember the last time I ate pap" I said to him with a lazy smile.

"I am sorry; I should have given us more time to check the menu"

"It’s okay, I am sure I will enjoy the meal, I am not very picky we… just don’t cook it a lot at home"

"Good, so tell me… what if I didn't play along to your little role-play out there?" I smiled shyly.

"I was kind of hoping you would and you came through...um while we are still on that, you said something about driving me home, well you don’t have to worry about it, I will take a cab"

He extended his hand to mine which was on the table, I wanted to quickly move it from the table before he made contact but I was too late. I honestly didn't like being touched by men or have any physical contact with men except my dad. Well, actually it’s not that I didn’t like it but my body couldn’t tolerate it. I would go crazy if a man do something as little as hold my hand. My body would react in a very strange way and I run out of breath and start shaking. It was fear; I was constantly reminded of Uncle Tom. Mpe’s hand touched mine but his touch didn’t make me feel what I usually felt. My body didn’t tremble and my mind didn’t trail off and I didn't feel any fear creeping in. For the first time in a long time I didn’t have a problem with a man touching me and this puzzled me. I had so many questions running through my head, like could this be the progress I'd been waiting for all these years? Could this be it?

"I am a man of my own word so I will take you home and now I just remembered that I don't even know your name" He giggled and let go of my hand.  I was astonished by all this, being touched by a man and nothing happens?

"I am Roxanne, Roxanne Smith" I removed my hand from the table and fiddled with my fingers under the table, I was still in shock of what just happened.

"Okay, I will take you home Roxanne Smith"

"Now I feel bad" the waiter brought our drinks and put them on the table.

"Everything still okay?" he asked looking from me to Mpendvulo and back at me again.

"It’s all okay thanks" I said with a polite smile.

"Okay your food will be here in a minute"

"Thank you" Mpe said, and the waiter walked away.

"Why are you feeling bad? it’s not like you have a gun to my head forcing me to do this… although I wouldn’t mind you with a gun to my head" I laughed, God what a lame joke but I found myself laughing.

"Okay fine, you win Mpendvulo"

Lunch with Mpe was okay. He seemed like a great guy. I enjoyed sharing lunch with him. We talked about general stuff. I was impressed by how the conversation was just flowing between us; we didn’t even have to try. For those minutes I felt normal, like I was an actual human being who actually deserves better in life. I didn’t hate myself or regret being born or blame myself for anything. What I felt when I was sitting there with him eating lunch was pure freedom. I was free from the never ending pain, the reminder that I was a reject, the self hate and the constant fear I carried with me every day. He was an Environmental Monitor at the same department I was working in. He'd been working there for two years. I didn't ask for his age and he said nothing about it too.  He looked young though, younger than 30. He was single and said he was looking for someone to wed. Well, I didn't even entertain that topic. I had never thought about being someone's wife or better yet, date anyone. I was too much baggage for someone to deal with.  After lunch we went back to the building, and he went to his section and I went to mine.

I was the last one to arrive back at the office amongst my fellow interns. Bokang came to our office just after me. He said from tomorrow morning we would be busy with induction, he would show us what the internship was about and what our duties were during the duration of the internship. After that he told us we could have the afternoon to ourselves and enjoy the freedom while it lasts. He left the office and left us on our own. We then engaged in various topics. We talked about what to expect and some shared info about their previous internships and how they did nothing and could just hang around the office the whole day. That topic alone didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to work; I really wanted to be useful, so I prayed that Bokang would not do the same thing to us. By 16:00 which was our knock off time we were all best of buddies. I was happy that I had a group of young people like myself; this would help me forget about a lot of things. I shook my head thinking about my varsity days and how many young people I was surrounded with and none of them managed to pull me out of the ocean. I decided not to over think everything and just enjoy every moment as it comes. I was 22 years old and was old enough to take charge of my life. We all walked out of the building together.

I was shocked to find Mpendvulo waiting at the main entrance. So he was serious about taking me home too? I said goodbye to my colleagues and walked to him.

"Hey" I said with my nervous smile on.

“Hey, so how were your remaining hours of the afternoon?”

“They were okay thanks”

“My car is parked at the back of the building so we can just go there now…I only came here because I figured you wouldn’t know which one is my car” 

“I really thought you were joking about the whole taking me home thing” the whole thing felt really weird, I didn’t know this guy and driving home with him didn’t sound like a bright idea.

“I don't joke that much… shall we?” I nodded and followed him to his car. I decided not to argue with him. I mean he was just taking me home, and that was it.

“So where do you stay?”

“Centurion”

“Ow Centurion, huh?”

“Don’t do that” I said with my most irritated voice.

“Ow sorry” We got to his car, and he tried to open the door for me.

“No it's fine I will do it myself” I said politely.

“But I don’t m-”I went to him and closed the door.

“I know you don’t mind but I don’t want you to, please” he nodded and put his hands up in defeat.

“Okay” he went to his side, and I opened the door for myself and got in.

He was driving a blue 2016 Ford fiesta which was much better than my old grey 1995 Mazda 323. The Mazda belonged to my dad, and he gave it to me when I turned 18. I had always loved it and even though it was old, I felt comfortable driving it. Mpendvulo started the car when we were both settled and drove out of the parking lot. He put on some music and I heard Dr Tumi’s voice gracing my ears and I smiled. I was not a gospel fanatic, and I only listened to gospel occasionally but I loved Dr Tumi. He had a strong voice and was full of anointing. I made a conclusion that Mpendvulo was a Christian, I mean why else would he play Dr Tumi after work? We drove in silence; no one said anything the whole drive. We only talked when I was giving him directions. We finally got to my place and Mpendvulo parked the car just outside the gate.

“Thank you for the ride” I said looking at him and then away.

“It’s my pleasure” I didn’t know what to say next, the polite thing to say would be ‘see you tomorrow’ or something along those lines but I wasn’t prepared to see him again, in fact I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to see me again, not that I would agree.

“I better go in before my whole family comes and bother you. Thank you for everything and for being so kind” I had my genuine smile on.

“It’s nothing really… see you tomorrow then?” I laughed and opened the door and got out of the car.

I don’t know why I didn’t just object but I guess it would have seemed rude after all the trouble he went through with me. He gave me a wave and then started his car and drove off. I slowly waved back at him as I see his car disappearing. I then turned around and looked at the gate and then the house. I felt like crying...Uncle Tom was probably in here.  The little peace and happiness I felt while I was with that Mpendvulo guy had evaporated. I had to face the reality, and the reality wasn’t fun. Standing there looking at the house I started panicking. What am I going to do? That’s the question I had. I stood there for a while and then finally got the courage to walk in.