HOLLOW HEARTS
Chapter 11
JANE
Me:” uhm…I promised my friends that I will pay for our drinks so let me go give them some cash” I wasn’t happy about leaving the club and I wanted to make that clear to him but then I had never been in a relationship so I wasn’t sure if this was what people who are together do or not…anyway they say that relationships are all about sacrifices so Muneiwa did his sacrifice by changing his lifestyle and I guess I could do without the partying for one night
Muneiwa:” I am your man now so let me do that” I wanted to smile at the gesture but I wasn’t happy that he was making me leave the club this early just because he wasn’t happy
Me:” Muneiwa you don’t have to”
Muneiwa:” I am not about to have you walk back in there again…I didn’t like how you were letting that boy touch you Jane, no one can ever touch you like that ever again” I finally understood why he was being controlling, it was because he was being jealous.
Me:” okay go”
I looked at him as he walked inside the club and felt sorry for him. He was not okay with a guy merely just touching me…he had no idea just how much my body had been misused and How nasty I had been in the past. I realised that Muneiwa was a player and when players finally fall in love they don’t want old goods…they want new goods and if Muneiwa could know the real me and the things I had done in the past then he wasn’t going to ever fall in love with me. I was too filthy to be loved by anyone…even though that anyone was manwhore Muneiwa Norman. I stood there and hugged myself and waited for him. Few minutes down the line Muneiwa came back to me. I looked at him as he walked to me and I swallowed hard as I remembered that Muneiwa had a target on his head and I was hired to take him out. He looked too cool for what I was going to do to him in the end. It was a chilly night but Muneiwa was dressed up like someone who didn’t plan on going out. He was in white plain shorts, a cardigan with folded sleeves and two top buttons unbuttoned and nothing else inside, he also wore a pair of white sneakers.
Mune:” your friends are sorted” he said with a smile
Me:” you paid for them?”
Muneiwa:” I paid for more than they could ever drink so they’ll be okay” I looked at him and blinked and then looked away.
Me:” I guess I will have to go home then” I said walking to my car with my hands folded on my chest. Muneiwa ran to me and came to stand in front of me
Mune:” you are not angry are you?” I stood there and looked at him and asked myself if I was angry. I couldn’t say I was angry, I just hated that he had to control me. the whole assignment was kinda going fine because for once in my life I felt like I had freedom but then when he started controlling me then I started feeling like he was the typical control freak of a man and I hated him for that
Me:” I don’t know Muneiwa” my voice sounded tired
Mune:” I just didn’t like seeing you in there with that boy all over you…it really…well I couldn’t have that”
Me:” I am not a virgin you know…I’ve had guys touch me before” I hated how he was acting like I was a little virgin who had never been touched. He had to know that I wasn’t one so that when we finally get to bed then he wouldn’t be surprised
Mune:” but that was before you became mine” mine? He said mine…like I belonged to him and even though I wasn’t particularly happy my insides couldn’t help but start dancing at the gesture
Me:” okay let me go home then” I said trying to walk away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him
Mune:” I am not alone in this am I?” he looked scared and I slowly shook my head. He slowly let go of my hand and brought both his hands on my face and slowly traced his fingers on my face. My whole body became stiff and I could feel the electricity building up just by his touch
Mune:” can I?”
He was looking straight into my eyes and I was looking at him too. All of a sudden I couldn’t utter a single word so I just nodded and closed my eyes. I felt his lips smashed into mine and I wrapped my hands around his neck. He cupped my face with both his hands as he was busy kissing me. My body went weak and all I wanted was to take him to bed. As strange as the feeling was…I wanted Muneiwa to have me in bed. It was my first time ever wanting sex from a man. I’d always done it because it needed to be done but Muneiwa’s gentleness and longing for me had me wanting more. We stopped the kiss and he pulled my head to him and rested it on his chest and traced his fingers on my weave. I inhaled softly at the smell of his cologne and it was heavenly. I could feel his heart beating a little faster than normal….so he was also nervous
Mune:” Jane” he whispered into my ears and just his voice calling my name had me going wet
Me:” Muneiwa”
Muneiwa:” I don’t want this to end Jane…I want this to drag on for as long as we can both hold on” I let out a heavy breath against his chest and felt completely and utterly safe in his arms
Me:” it won’t end” I lied…I was obviously going to end it and it was going to end with him in the coffin. He slowly broke the embrace
Mune:” are you sure you are okay with going home? I mean we can go back in there together and you can party while I am on the watch…as long as you don’t dance with the guys then I can try and tolerate it” it was so sweet of him. I had mixed feelings about this guy…one minute he made me blush and excited, the next I would be horny and then the next I would be hating him.
Me:” It’s okay…I don’t think it would still be fun with you watching me” he raised an eyebrow
Mune:” why is that?” I laughed
Me:” you are too serious” he laughed too
Mune:” I am sure I will loosen up and maybe dance a little” he was still laughing, I shook my head giggling
Me:” I just don’t see you dancing so it’s okay I will go home” he smiled
Munei:” or maybe you can come with me” I smiled and looked at him and then away
Munei:” still no sex I promise” I couldn’t help but laughed
Me:” but you complained about being horny as f*** few minutes ago” he smirked
Munei:”it won’t kill me Jane” I blushed
Me:” am I really worth all the trouble?” I had my serious face on…I was really wondering if I was really worth it.
Munei:” you are worth all the trouble and more” I just smiled and looked away
Munei:” now get in the car and follow me” I got into my car and he got into his and we drove off. I followed him to the hotel…I was not sure what was going to happen but I was emotionally ready for anything and that was more than I had ever got ready for anything in the past. We got to then hotel and parked our car and got out. He walked to me and took my hand
Munei:” come with me” I smiled and we walked together to the hotel hand in hand
Munei:” do you want us to go to the bar for a drink maybe?”
Me:” nahh I am fine thanks”
Munei:” so you only want to drink with your friends huh?”I giggled
Me:” seriously?”
Munei:” I am just saying” I looked at him and his lips were pressed together as if he was pretending to be angry. I smiled and looked away
Me:” I don’t mind drinking with you too but we are still getting to know each other so I don’t know if drinking together is a good idea. People do crazy things when they are drunk” he laughed and shook his head
Munei” hahhh not you…remember the first night I brought you to my room? Girl you were totally drunk but you still couldn’t let me shag you”
Me:” mhm shag?”
Munei:” okay sleep with you” I smiled
Munei:” okay make love” I laughed…being in a relationship wasn’t going to be bad after all and even though I hadn’t done it before, It felt natural and I was going with the flow and all was good so far. We got to his suite and he unlocked the door, opened and we got in. The room smelt good and looked really clean. Well that’s how hotel rooms look like and with permanent hotel residents like Muneiwa, the hotels always made sure that their rooms were well taken care of so that they don’t lose an important client.
Munei:” welcome to our room” there was laughter when he said that
Me:” our room?” I looked at him questionably
Munei:” yeah” I went to sit on the couch
Me:” you don’t think we are moving too fast? I mean we only met last weekend” he came and knelt in front of me
Munei:” I don’t think we are moving fast. I’ve always been a go getter and when I want something I always go for it. It’s the reason why I had different girls here almost every night because I wanted them and I went for them. right now I want this Jane…this is what I want and this is what I am always thinking about so moving fast or not…as long as it makes us happy” there was an ‘us’ and even though I was acting, I kinda liked the ‘us’ he was referring to
Me:” okay” he got up and took off his sneakers and sat on the bed in front of me
Me” so how is the research going?”
I was trying to strike a different topic, I had to act like I was interested in his personal life and that way he could be able to trust me. I figured that I had already won his heart so I didn’t have to dwell on the romantic sweet talks because those had bad influence on me…they made me blush and forget about my assignment for a while so we had to start talking about his life and gather all the crucial information I needed from him. This was it, the wheel was already moving and there was no stopping it.
Munei:” ahg its going as good as the research can go. It’s stressful and I rather not talk about it” I nodded
Me:” okay and ….uhm your family?” he shook his head
Munei:” all gone”
Me:” no aunts, uncles or grannies and cousins?” he breathed
Munei:” I honestly prefer being alone, it’s the reason why I don’t have friends” he threw himself on the bed and patted his left side and signal for me to join him. I rolled my eyes and took off my shoes and joined him.
Me:” tell me about when you were growing up…I want to know the kind of boy you were. You seem so serious now so I am curious”
He giggled and pulled me to him and I laid my head on his chest while he brushed my back and then he started talking about his family. He had a happy childhood and I envied the kind of life he had. He was raised in a stable home and his parents did everything for him and his brother. He also told me about their sudden passing in a car accident and how he couldn’t cry because it all felt unreal. He only went home for the week of the funeral and after that he never went back again. He said that deep inside there are parts of him that still feels like if he go home he will find them. I listened to him as he talk and felt sorry for him because I was going to end him and make him follow his family. as much as I felt sorry for him I told myself that it was nothing personal and that what I was about to do was strictly business. When he was done telling me about himself he asked me to tell him about me. I had my own lie to tell so I told him a little fairytale story about my two loving parents and the perfect upbringing I had. I told him that I felt bad sharing my story with him because his life was sad and mine wasn’t.
We sat there and talked until we fell asleep. I woke up the following morning feeling good. This was my first time spending a day with a man and not have to sleep with him. I had done lot of firsts ever since I met Muneiwa and I was still going to have more firsts with this guy
Munei:” morning” he said looking at me with a smile
Me:” hi” I smiled back
Munei:”how did you sleep?” I blushed
Me:” I can’t even explain it…I’ve never slept this good, never” that was me being honest
Munei:” and that makes me happy” he kissed me on the forehead and got out of bed
Munei:” so what time are we going to your friend’s?” he said that getting out of bed
Me:” the ceremony starts at 10 but as her friend I should be there a little earlier”
Munei:” you can hop into the shower and then go home to change…while you drive home to change I will take a quick shower and follow you home so that we can drive together” Muneiwa was kind of sweet…it felt strange to wake up from his bed and go to the shower and then leave without doing anything. Not even a kiss nyana….it really felt strange to me
Me:” uhm I don’t have my toiletries” he smiled
Munei:” I always have extras….for my now past life style” I giggled
Me:” you can just say it…it was for your girls huh?” he said nothing and just opened the wardrobe and then took out a new toothbrush and a face cloth
Munei:” everything else is in the bathroom”
Me:” okay thanks” I walked to the bathroom. I closed the bathroom door and breathed. This was the life I needed for myself…not as an assignment. It was one thing to be on the other side and looking over to this side but now that I was really on this side…I didn’t want to go back…I wanted to be this girl and have someone like Muneiwa for good.
So everything happened as Munei said. I went home to change while he prepared himself. When I was done I waited for him on the street. I was not sure about the dressing code or the theme colour for the event and I didn’t bother call Gudani and ask so I just wore my black tight dress that was long enough to reach my knees. The dress was not too fancy because it was plain. I also wore a red heal to go with the red purse I had. Muneiwa was tall so I didn’t have to worry about being taller than him. Makeup and hair was on point. I waited for few minutes and then Muneiwa arrived. He smiled and got out of the car and opened the door for me…God I melted
Me:” thank you” I said as I was getting in the car
Munei:” you look really lovely and you deserve this” I smiled shaking my head and getting in the car. Muneiwa got in after closing my door
Munei:” ready?”
Me:” yeah let’s do this” he started the car and we drove to Thembisa.
He was playing good music on the way…like really good music. Actually the good music I am talking about was just one song that was on repeat the whole drive. I didn’t mind the song being on repeat because I loved it. It was ‘Extreme Music – Bring me back to life’. God there was something about the song…it penetrated deep within me and talked to me…I guess Muneiwa felt the same and that’s why the song was on repeat. I opened my window and let the fresh breeze come in…I put my elbow on the window and smiled as I was looking out on the streets
Me:” I am happy” I said looking at him for a second and then looking outside again.
Munei:” makes the two of us” the song got to the chorus and I couldn’t help myself but sing along to the beautiful song. We were driving through the streets of Thembisa and I was happy. I was busy smiling looking out the window when suddenly I spotted a house that looked all too familiar. There were little changes made to the house but even so, the house looked really familiar.
Me:” stop…Muneiwa stop the car” I was screaming. He stopped on the side of the road
Munei:” what’s wrong? “
Me:” reverse a little please” my hands were shaking and my eyes were teary. He reversed
Me:” okay that’s it stop” he stopped and I looked out the window to the house that I knew all too well. I sat there and looked at the four roomed house that had a different colour now but the garden still looked very much the same…the gate hadn’t changed a bit. The driveway to the house was now paved. Even though I hadn’t seen the house in years there was no mistaking it
Munei:” Jane what’s wrong?” I saw a girl that looked like a teenager walking out of the house and to the outside toilet
Munei:” Jane” I looked at him and couldn’t say anything but just let tears fall
Munei:” Jane?” I got out of the car without saying anything and looked at the house. A door opened again and a woman walked out. I quickly went inside the car
Me:” drive!”
Munei:” baby?”
Me:” just drive” I was trembling
HOLLOW HEARTS
Chapter 12
I couldn’t even look at Muneiwa. I never expected this to happen…I never expected to see my own home. i was totally losing myself and I couldn’t control my emotions. I wanted to cry, scream, pull my hair and beat myself up for the pain I was feeling. I had been through some shity stuff in my life, stuff that made me immune to pain, stuff that prepared my mind for any kind of pain but the shity treatment I had received over the years never prepared me for seeing my mom and for realising that Zach let her live.
Munei:” Jane what’s wrong?” I heard his voice sounding so far. My mind was busy contemplating what just happened.
Munei:” Jane!” he stopped the car on the side of the road and looked at me. I snapped out of my misery and looked at him
Munei:” what happened back there?” s*** I had to come up with a story or else Muneiwa was going to dig deep into my past and find out the truth
Me:” let’s just go to the party and we will talk about it afterwards” I said that wiping off my tears and trying to compose myself but Muneiwa shook his head
Munei:” but you don’t look fine”
Me:” I will be”
My heart was burning. I was happy about one thing though, my family was still alive and they were not murdered and that was good news. I had to stay away though, I had to stay far far away or else I was going to be the end of them. Everything was a test; Zach wanted to test me to see if I would run back home or try to contact my family. If I try as much as looking at them the wrong way then he was going to kill them and deliver their heads to the flat, so I had to stay away. We drove to Gudani’s place in total silence with the song was still on repeat and we finally got there. Muneiwa parked his car out the gate. There were lot of cars parked outside the gate and some inside.
Munei:” we are not going to attend the party when you are like this…something happened and you are not well” he was right, I was not okay but I didn’t want to disappoint Gudani
Me:” I promised Gudani that I will m-“
Munei:” give me your phone” what? What did he want to do? I just looked at him ready to run away
Munei:” give me your phone…I want to inform your friend that we won’t make it” I relaxed
Me:” I dialled Gudani’s number and gave Muneiwa my phone. He put the phone on his ear
Munei:” Hi, uhm can you come out the gate? Okay sure” he dropped the call and tossed the phone to me. I looked at him and then away
Me:” I am really fine” he raised his eyebrows
Munei:” your eyes are red and you keep on fiddling with your fingers and you were seriously trembling Jane…you literally sobbed in my car so I don’t believe that you are fine” I breathed and just looked away. I wasn’t going to convince him otherwise so I had to come up with a good lie. Gudani walked out of the gate and looked around. Muneiwa opened the window and waved at her and she saw us and walked towards us. She looked beautiful, like really beautiful.
Gudani:” hi guys, thank you for co-uhm Jane are you okay?” I breathed and was about to start lying when Muneiwa answered
Munei:” she is not…she really wanted to be here but as you can see she is not okay…I am sorry but she can’t stay” I just sat there and couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I didn’t know that Munei had it in him to be this carrying and considerate. The nigga had been a player all his life and had never loved anyone or cared about anyone…I expected us to have some kind of a relationship, but not this kind of carrying
Gudani:” I totally understand…Jane be okay love” I looked at her and nodded
Me:” I am sorry” she smiled
Gudani:” it’s okay, I totally understand”
Me:” thank you”
Gudani:” it’s my pleasure”
Munei:” see you around Gudani”
Gudani:” okay sharp” I waved and Gudani who waved back and then Muneiwa drove off.
We drove in silence again. I couldn’t say a word, not after my little crazy episode. Muneiwa didn’t take me back home; instead he drove to his hotel. We got there and he parked the car and switched his car off
Mune:” let’s go up” I just nodded and got out of the car and walked inside the hotel without looking behind me. I could hear his footsteps behind me though. We got to the lift and got in. I stood in one corner and looked on the floor. I didn’t want to look at Muneiwa, I was still busy cooking up a lie I was going to tell him about why I acted the way I did…the story had to be convincing so I was deep in my thoughts. We got to his floor and walked to his room. He unlocked the door and we walked in
Me:” why are we back here? You could have taken me home” I got there and sat on the couch
Munei:” not until you tell me what’s wrong”
Me:” nothing is wrong” I knew he wasn’t going to let it go
Munei:” Jane you can trust me” he sat on the bed in front of me and I also looked back at him
Me:” can i?” I said with my hands pressed together and my heart jumping off my chest
Munei:” completely”
Me:” i…uhm this is not my first time in South Africa” Muneiwa raised an eyebrow
Me:” I was born here and I stayed in Thembisa, in fact I stayed in the house that we saw today” I said that and breathed…I looked at my hands as I talk
Me:” my parents couldn’t afford to stay in town then so we rented a room in that house. I grew up there up until age 7 and that’s when I left the country”
Munei:” why did you leave?”
Me:” there was a girl who stayed in that house. Her name was Ayanda. She was 2 years younger than me but she was my best friend, the only friend I had so every day after school we played together and we even shared a bed. One day I came back from school and waited for Ayanda to come back from pre-school but she never returned. I kept asking about her but nobody knew where she was. I never saw her ever since, no one ever saw her ever since. She just disappeared so in fear that the same thing might happen to me, my parents decided to take me to my dad’s family since my parents were not South Africans so I left the country. For years I kept asking my parents about Ayanda and if she had returned but their answer was always no. she was never found Munei…I didn’t remember her house so when I saw it today I lost it. She disappeared and her disappearance still haunts me” I had tears by now. Ayanda did disappear but the Ayanda I was referring to was actually myself. I brought up that story so that if Muneiwa start digging on that family then he would find out that they really had a daughter who actually went missing. Munei came and stood in front of me and stretched out his hand to take mine. I got up and took his hand
Munei:” come here”
He pulled me to him and hugged me. I held him tight and sobbed for real. I was crying because I missed my mom so much, I missed everything…I was crying because I wanted Munei for real but I knew I couldn’t have him, I was crying because I wanted freedom and knew there was no way I could get it, I was crying because I wanted to meet my mom and held her in my arms and touch her with my own hands and laugh with her but I knew it was never going to happen. I sobbed so hard I couldn’t even control myself anymore. Muneiwa was brushing my back
Munei:” shhhhh…I am so sorry”
Me:” it hurts Munei…I miss her so much” I missed Ayanda…I missed the girl I used to be…I missed the little girl that Zach stole from me and most of all I missed being an actual human being and not an object to be used
Munei:” I know love…I know” I sobbed in his arms for what seemed like forever. Finally I stopped crying but I couldn’t let go of him. I didn’t want to let go, I loved being in his arms and didn’t want to let go. He slowly broke the embrace and even though I didn’t want to I obliged
Munei:” can I get you anything? Something to drink or to eat?”
Me:” I just want to lie down”
Munei:” okay”
I took off my shoes while Munei prepared the bed for me. I went and got inside the blankets with my dress on. Muneiwa looked at me then walked away. I took a sigh of relief because the lie had worked. Even though the lie was a success, everything else had been true…the sobbing and the pain I was feeling was no pretend…I was in serious pain. I was sleeping like that when realised that the assignment wasn’t going to be a walk in a park. Zach brought me back here on purpose, this was the final nail to my coffin of tests, passing this one would mean that I was capable of any assignment so I had to prove my worth and not disappoint.
MUNEIWA
After Jane got into bed I went to stand close to the window and looked at her with my hands folded on my chest. I hated that she was in pain; I wanted to make her feel better and for her to forget what happened to her friend. I wanted her to be okay. I smiled looking at her because I used to vow that I would never ever have a woman in my life but I had Jane and it felt like the best thing I had ever done in my life. In fact I regretted how I didn’t meet her sooner. i suddenly frowned when I think of how she was crying…I felt the thirst to make her pain go away…I wanted her to feel better and I didn’t know what to do. I took my phone and went to Google and typed ‘things to do to cheer a woman up’ I looked at the list of things to do
1. ‘Let her talk’….well I had already done this, I let her talk about her problem and she sobbed horribly afterwards.
2. ‘give her a hug’ I did this too and she asked to take a nap afterwards so I don’t know if she was feeling better already but I was glad that at least I was on the right track
3. ‘Tell her how much you care’…f*** this wasn’t happening; I mean what was I supposed to say?
4. ‘make her laugh’….i rolled my eyes, I was no comedian, how in a world was I supposed to make Jane laugh
5. ‘make her smile’ ….i just shook my head and sighed
6. ‘Get her mind off her problems’….i looked at this one and tried to think of the things to do.
I read further down and they also mentioned taking a walk. I realised that I had to do something to make her feel better. I thought about what I could do with her in order to take her mind off things…I thought about the sites I read the day before the first date and what they suggested. Apparently girls loved going to the movies so maybe Jane needed something like that. I smiled and sat on the bed and removed the blanket that was covering her. She looked at me and frowned
Me:” we are going out” I said with a smile
Jane:” but I just w-“
Me:” please, you need a distraction and I am going to give you a distraction. Wake up” she breathed louder and got up
Jane:” you think it’s a good idea?”
Me:” great idea…go to the bathroom and clean yourself up so that we can go” she got up and went to the bathroom and I followed. I stood at the bathroom door and smiled. Jane pulled her dress down and starred at herself on the mirror
Jane:” ow my God I look like a ghost” I couldn’t help but burst into a laugh, surprisingly she wasn’t laughing, she seemed rather worried so I stopped laughing
Me:” you don’t look like a ghost” she ignored me and looked at herself
Jane:” did you see my face? My makeup is all over the place and I have tear lines as well” honestly I never noticed any of that s*** until she mentioned it
Me:” I never noticed” she shook her head and walked to the door and walked past me and went to the bedroom and took a purse and came with it back to the bathroom.
HOLLOW HEARTS
Chapter 13
JANE
Muneiwa and I walked out of the hotel to drive to Menlyn
Mune:” on second thought, I think we should walk to Sterland…I don’t remember the last time I walk anywhere other than my usual jogs in the morning” I smiled remembering that I also don’t walk much
Me:” okay that sounds about fine” he chuckled and extended his hand to take mine. I stood there and looked at him
Me:” we are walking hand in hand?” he smiled
Munei:” I am about to break all the rules Jane…I am going to do everything I considered stupid” my heart melted and I couldn’t deny him that so I gave him my hand. There was this electrifying feeling that ran from his touch and travelled through my veins and it trapped my legs and made it a bit difficult for me to move freely…I suddenly had bile on my throat. I looked at him as we walked towards the gate of the hotel and he looked at me too
Munei:” what is it?” I breathed
Me:” nothing” I said as I shake my head. I squeezed my hand to his and he did the same…we walked for about five minutes without saying a word
Munei:” do you have any idea what movies are currently playing in cinema?” I shook my head
Me:” no idea at all, I never planned on going remember?”
Munei:” same here, so what kind of movies do you prefer? Romantic I guess” I laughed
Me:” a very bad guess…unlike all the other girls…I am a horror, thriller and action kind of girl” he looked at me with his eyebrow raised.
I was telling him the truth. Watching romantic movies was a little depressing and I never believed in fairytales so I never enjoyed watching such movies. I loved action and horror more because there was no emotion involved with those movies and they never portrayed fairytale lie that I knew never existed. That’s the truth, I never believed in love and happily ever after
Munei:” wow….Jane…you never cease to amaze me” I laughed
Munei:” so if you don’t mind me asking…why horror and action? Why not romantic movies”
Me:” I don’t believe in romance” he stood still and looked at me as if he was thinking.
Munei:” do you believe in fate?” I opened my eyes wide and looked at him and then away and then at him
Me:” I don’t know…do you?” I was telling the truth, I wasn’t sure if I believed in fate
Munei:” I never did until I met you and you made me question everything I believed in and everything I knew. It’s like we’ve been built to be together, we like the same things and we somehow have the same opinions about certain stuff. I feel like fate brought us together, I feel like fate made us for each other…I feel like I was meant to run into you that day during my jog and that I was supposed to meet you again that night at a club” I removed my hand from him and started walking. We were now close to Mandela drive and heading towards Arcadia.
Muneiwa grabbed my hand and made me stop
Me:” just…let me go” I said blinking
Munei:” you are scared….i am scared too Jane…this is fucking me up too but I am here because it’s what I want…stop fighting it and just give in”
He didn’t understand this…it was a lie, I wasn’t real, everything he knew about me was a lie and somehow I wished all of this was true. I wished I could be in the dark with him too because he was in peace, he was enjoying every second of being with me because he thought it was real. He didn’t know I planned the little meetings he regarded as fateful.
Me:” let’s go watch a movie please” talking about his undying feelings for me was a little too much
Munei:” okay” he seemed disappointed and we started walking again
Me:” you are not the only one who has never been in a relationship or in love Munei…I’ve never done this before too and I never anticipated that it would ever happen so just bare with me” I wasn’t looking at him but when I stole a glance I found him smiling and looking straight ahead as we walk
Munei:” so are you a-“ I shook my head immediately
Me:” no I am not a virgin” he nodded
Munei:” okay” I smiled
Me:” would you have loved it if I was?” that was a stupid question and I never intended to ask it out loud but then the words escaped my mouth before I could bother to stop them. He looked at me and laughed
Munei:” honestly?”
Me:” yes honestly”
Munei:” I don’t think so…I’ve never done it with a virgin before and I would hate to have to teach you everything Jane…I want sex to be spontaneous and fun….but if you were inexperienced then we were definitely not going to have new acts in the bedroom because it was going to be all about what I was going to teach you but now that we know you are experienced then I get to learn something and you get to learn something too…we get to combine our skills” he was saying all that with a crazy smile on and I couldn’t help but smile too. I was glad that the situation was okay and we were not all emotional. I giggled lightly when I thought of how advanced my skills were in the bedroom…I was like the ambassador of sex…like I slept with men to keep myself alive and if that’s what Muneiwa wanted then I was going to give him all my best when it finally happen.
Me:” you are talking a good game Munei….just how good are you?” he laughed so hard, he stood there with his hands on his hips and I laughed with him
Munei:” don’t I look the part?” he was still laughing
Me:” I’ve heard guys talking a very good game but then turn out to be such a disappointment” I laughed
Munei:” let’s just say you’ll see all about it soon”
Me:” soon?”
Munei:” when you decide that it’s about time” I felt a little bit special and like I had some sort of power. Power is something I was repeatedly made to feel that I don’t have but Muneiwa was giving me a little bit of it and even though it looked like it meant nothing …it meant a whole lot to me
Me:” so…uhm….you’ll just wait for me to say I am finally up to it?” he nodded
Me:” so if you happen to want it then you won’t say a thing?” I was still smiling
Munei:” I’ve been wanting to have you in my bed since the first night I brought you to my room so my hunger for sexing you has been around ever since, so I am just waiting for a go ahead” God I don’t know if Muneiwa was just trying too hard to make me feel special or to prove some point to me or if this was what people who are dating go through but it was all so new to me and I was feeling like a crapy fucking queen sitting on a damn gigantic thrown and I was loving it.
Me:” okay”
Munei:” yeah…I can’t wait though” I just raised an eyebrow looking at him and said nothing…he was giving me his charming smile
We finally got to the movies and watched ‘Girls Trip’ and even though I loved action and even though Muneiwa loved the same with me….we found ourselves enjoying the movie. We all laughed so hard during the movie. After the movie we went down to fishaways and had lunch. After that I asked him to take me home. He didn’t want me to go and insisted I go back to the hotel with him but then I told him that I would see him the following day and that there was no need for him to worry. He finally drove me to the flat. He dropped me off and left, I then walked to the flat. I knew that Terry and Abigail were going to be around since it was a Saturday. Muneiwa did his best to cheer me up and to help me forget about what I saw. But then something hit me as I walked to the flat. I had to come clean to Zach about seeing my family today and I had to ensure him that I was never ever going to try and contact them because not saying anything to him was not going to end well for me. I mean, you might find that he was having me followed and he saw the whole episode or even if he was not having me followed he could hear about me being in Thembisa and just assumed that I went to see my family so telling him the truth was going to prove just how transparent I was towards him and that I wasn’t hiding anything from him. Trust was very important in this business so I had to make sure that Zach don’t lose his trust towards me.
No one was in the lounge as I walk in to the flat so I went straight to my room. I got there and took my laptop and skyped Zach. I wanted to look at his face as I talk to him as opposed to just a phonecall. He picked up my call from the other side. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop in front of me
Zac:”this better be important” he said that with a cigar on the side of his mouth
Me:”it is” I said while fiddling with my hands
Zac:”let’s hear it”
Me:”I am doing everything that you planned. The target likes me and he even took me to the movies today so we are getting somewhere” he didn’t look happy
Zac:”going to the movies is still a zero to me”
Me:” I think it’s a good start…uhm anyway…I saw something today when I was with him and please Zach don’t overreact and I am telling you this because I don’t want to hide anything from you and I want you to know that my loyalty lies with you”
Zach:” I am listening” I breathed and then looked back at the screen
Me:” I was driving around in Thembisa with the target and I saw my real home. I kinda freaked out a little but the target is okay, he didn’t suspect anything. I just want you to know that and not suspect that I will hide it from you. I didn’t do it on purpose I promise. I didn’t even remember the township I came from until I saw the house ….Zach I didn-“
Zach:” it’s okay” I looked at him with nothing but pure horror…I was totally shocked . That reply was the last thing I expected from him
Me:” what? You are not angry?”
Zach:” after surviving everything you’ve survived over the years then I doubt that you’ll be as stupid as asking me to kill your family and deliver their heads to you and then kill you afterwards…you wouldn’t commit suicide will you?” that was a true gentle reminder of what I stood to lose if I made a mistake
Me:” you know me better, I am here for one thing and when I am done I will be out of here”
Zach:” enough about that…anything on the target?”
Me:” he really fancy me and I think he also asked for a permission to let me into his life from his boss”
Zach:” good, now you have to move in with him” I frowned
Me:”so soon?”
Zach:” the sooner you move in the sooner you can get information on him and the sooner we kill him and expand the business” I nodded
Me:” uhm I will make a plan about moving in with him” Zach smiled
Zach:” I already have one….you are leaving to his place tonight and you should be crying when you get there. Cry in his arms and tell him that your parents are fighting and that you couldn’t handle being in the house and that you suspect they are about to get divorced. If he fancy’s you as much as you said he does then he will offer you a place to stay and we will take it from there” wow that was a good plan, the kind of plan I never thought of
Me:” uhm okay I will do that”
Zach:” you only have 6 months to get everything we need from him so we can’t waste a single minute”
Me:” I understand”
Zach:” I am guessing that you know what moving in with him means…it means giving it to him good Jane…I know you are good and men always brags about you so do your magic and make him worship you”
Me:” I will give it my all” I said while nodding
Zac:” good, do me proud like you’ve always done….if you finish this one you might get to have some freedom” I gave him a questioning look
Zac:” you will graduate to a higher level” I smiled
Me:” prepare for my graduation gown because I am taking this home” I said with a smile
Zac:” let’s see about that” he winked once and then dropped the call.
I fell back on the bed and took a sigh of relief because I came clean to Zach about what happened today. The fact that Zach didn’t act surprised meant that he either knew that it was going to happen or expected it to happen and was betting on the fact that I’d be faithful. I was glad that I took a decision to tell him the truth because otherwise things were going to end so badly for me.
I got up from the bed and took a backpack and parked few things I was going to need for few days. If Muneiwa allowed me to stay with him for few days then I was gonna come back for more of my stuff. I took the backpack and walked out of my room. I ran into Terry as soon as I left my bedroom
Terry:” I didn’t know you were back”
Me:”yeah I am” I said that walking past him. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. I closed my eyes and breathed. I knew what he wanted to do and I was honestly not in the mood for his horny little d***
Terry:” I just received a call from Zach, he said you are going to stay with the target” I nodded
Me:” yeah” I said that and looked at my hand as if telling him to let me go
Terry:” no goodbye?” I briefly closed my eyes and opened them again
Me:” okay” he let me go and I put the backpack on the floor and pulled the dress up
Me:” You thought I was gonna fight you? Your little thing hardly scratch the inside of me so I will willingly give myself to you” I said that and was about to take off my underwear when he hit me with his fist and I fell.
I raised my head and looked around and Terry was nowhere to be found. Even though my cheek hurt …I found myself smiling. I got up with my one hand on my cheek and walked out of the house. I sat in the car and looked at my cheek and shook my head. I then drove to the hotel.
I parked my car and realised that I had to act sad and also cry. I got out of the car and went inside and all the way to Muneiwa’s room. I stood at the door and changed my facial expression to being sad. The tears couldn’t come but I figured I was going to give this the performance of my life. The door opened and Muneiwa was shocked to see me. I looked at him and swallowed
Mune:” Jane?”
Me:” I know you are not expecting me but i…uhm…I just” I turned around and started walking away but Muneiwa ran to me and grabbed my hand
Munei:” babe what’s wrong?”
Me:” I just didn’t have anywhere else to go” I acted as if I was totally terrified.
Munei:” what’s wrong? What do you mean?”
Me:” it’s…it…”
Munei:” did someone hit you?” he was reaching over to my cheek
Munei:” girl you better tell me what happened” I looked at him and felt sorry for him…he was falling for every trick in my book and my heart hurt for him…suddenly my eyes became teary. He pulled me to him and hugged me tight
Munei:” tell me what happened”
Me:” I can’t stay at home Munei…it’s my mom and dad…I think they are getting a divorce” I said that and gave the performance of a life time and forced the tears to fall and sobbed so bad.
Mune:” oww baby I am so sorry”
My heart broke into million pieces. I felt stuck, like I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. I started crying for real because the honest truth that I had been trying to run away from was that I liked Muneiwa more than I was willing to admit. In fact I liked him in a way that I had never liked anyone else. I felt my heart literally breaking into smaller pieces as I realised that at the end I was going to kill him. I held on tight to him and sobbed. I made a promise to myself at that moment…I was going to enjoy every second of everyday that I was going to spend with Muneiwa so that at least when it’s time to kill him I would know that I had enjoyed my time with him. I broke the hug and couldn’t look at him. I felt like he would see through me, I felt as though I owed him the truth but then I also knew that the truth was not mine to give.
Me:” can I stay here for few days?” I was trying my best to calm down. He reached over to me and wiped my tears
Munei:” of course, you can stay for as long as you want” he took my hand and we walked to his room. As soon as he closed the door I jumped to him for a hard kiss…he pushed me away because it caught him off guard.
Me:” I can’t wait anymore Munei”
I said that taking off the backpack and throwing it on the floor and taking off my dress. I wanted to enjoy every moment with him because moving in with him meant that I was quickly going to find out everything there was to find out about him meaning that I was going to have to kill him sooner than expected. All I had was 6 months with him or maybe less. Muneiwa stopped me from taking off the dress
Me:” what? You said you’ll always be ready for me” I said feeling all emotional
Muneiwa:” yes I was…I mean I am…well I don’t know Jane” yohh my heart fell
Me:” what do you mean you don’t know?” Reality was sinking in…what just happened? Did he not like me anymore?
Muneiwa”I want you but not like this, not when you are crying and stressed…Jane not this way” tears gushed down like a river, I hated being rejected by him…Muneiwa was the only person who made me feel special, I couldn’t handle rejection coming from him
Me:” does it fucking matter? You don’t get this do you? We don’t have enough time together” I said that going to him and holding on to his shirt with both my hands. He held my hands that were on his chest and looked at me
Mune:” you are not making any sense….and yes I could do it with you right now but then what? What if I lose interest afterwards huh? I don’t want us to lose what we have…I am afraid I will lose interest and never feel like this again. Sex is more like a game to me…it’s something I do when I am bored but I don’t want to do that to you because I care. I thought I was ready but I am not. I’ve slept with girls from different corners of the world but you deserve better than what everyone else got from me…you deserve to do things I never offered to all the other girls because you are not all the other girls…you are special”
Jane:” do you think I fucking care about that right now? I just want you to do what you do best” I said that trying to unbutton his shirt. I felt like I was going crazy and maybe I was going crazy. I was unable to control my emotions or let alone think straight. He politely removed my hands from him and pushed me on the bed. I thought he was going to come to me for sex but then he took his keys and walked to the door
Mune:” I am giving you an hour to calm down and then I will be back” he looked like he was in pain and just like that the nigga walked out and locked me inside.
HOLLOW HEARTS
Chapter 14
MUNEIWA
I locked Jane inside my room and went to the hotel bar. I couldn’t believe that I just turned down sex from a girl. I felt like a complete different person, like I was a stranger to myself. Muneiwa Norman Makungo I knew would have gone for that girl without second thoughts but then this new guy that was trapped in my body decided otherwise. I saw how stressed up and in pain Jane looked and I felt like sleeping with her in that state would be like taking advantage of her. As much as I was enjoying what I had with Jane, I also hated who I had become. I felt like I was totally not in control of my own life. I was even struggling to think straight or to reason. Normally I was always in control and I planned every little bit of my life…everything was always planned before hand but ever since Jane walked into my life I was a disorganised prick and for some crazy odd reason I was enjoying it. I was enjoying being spontaneous and not have to plan every little details of my life and have every second accounted for.
I got to the bar and Norman was the barman on duty. I smiled and sat on the stool
Me:”Norman my man” I said with a smile. Norman was busy wiping the bar table with a cloth and then he came closer to me with a smile
Norman:” hey Norman….it feels weird to call my name so that’s why I just call you Muneiwa”
Me:” that’s also fine”
Norman:” what can I get you?”
Me:” give me something extremely strong” he took a bottle and poured me a shot
Norman:” there…how did it go with the girl?” he couldn’t hide the smile and he looked like he was really interested
Me:” well, she is up in my suite right now and can you believe I turned down sex with her? She was pissed about something and offered herself to me…like normally I wouldn’t think twice but then I just walked out and told her that I am giving her time to calm down…what kind of fuckery is that?” I said that signalling with my hand for Norman to pour me more drink after I gulped the first shot
Norman:’ what? Dude you did what? Nahhhh I don’t believe you did that” he was laughing
Me:” stop laughing and pour me a damn drink…I feel like I am losing my damn self” I was a bit worried about it though…like I was losing too much of myself since that girl walked into my life
Norman:” ow yeah the drink” he poured me another drink and as much as it was horrible I gulped it all at once
Norman:” you are in love” I looked at Norman and frowned
Me:’ what?”
Norman:” she’s got you my man…God, Muneiwa your life will never ever be the same again…you are hooked”
Me:” am I supposed to know what that means?”
Norman:” exactly what I said…you love her. it’s the only reason why you’ll completely change your life for a girl, you want to see her happy and unlike all the other bitches you’ve played, you want what you have with her to last and you don’t just want sex from her” I looked at him and cracked a little smile…what he just explained is exactly what I was feeling
Me:” but I met her last week”
Norman:” it doesn’t matter…it takes you few minutes to like someone and sometimes just a day to actually fall in love”
Me:” so you think it’s normal?”
Norman:” let me ask you this….i always see you with different girls everyday here…have you ever dated anyone before this girl?” I shook my head
Me:” I never planned on dating her too it just happened” Norman laughed
Norman:” God you better pray that she is in this with you because all I know is that when a f*** boy finally falls in love then he falls for real and there is no turning back” was I falling in love?
Me:” I am not sure about love…all I know is that I like her and she makes me happy that’s all”
Norman:” they all say that”
Me:” how do you know this?”
Norman:” I work at the bar remember? I meet guys like you almost every day and ya’ll love talking to a barman and I am always happy to listen and offer advice, I guess it’s part of my job, they just have to put it on my job description” I laughed
Norman:” she has changed you”
Me:” how so?”
Norman:” you are a little more social…you never did this before” I shook my head, I knew that Norman was telling the truth, the changes were evident to me as well
Me:” because I didn’t need advice”
Norman:” not just the advice part…the laughing and the smiling as well. Dude you looked like a robot…you used to come here every day and order drinks and just greet me and then ask me to get you a particular girl or get her yourself and then you give me a tip and that was it…I’d been working in this bar for two years and it’s my first time seeing you laugh” I smiled
Me:” I don’t know if I like the changes though” I said looking into space
Norman:” I think it’s good…look at you, you are engaging in a conversation with me…like a real conversation. I even thought you were a serial killer of some sort”
Me:” what?” I was shocked
Norman:” you were way too solitary…you only wanted girls for sex and not for socialising and I never saw you with a friend before so when you called me that day and asked me about a girl…damn I was shocked”
Me:” you are crazy”
I sat at the bar chatting with Norman. I was tempted to go visit Ayanda’s family to see if I couldn’t help them but then I didn’t want to raise old wounds, losing a child couldn’t have been easy. It was still haunting Jane so it must have be worse to her family so I decided against the idea. I knew what had happened to the girl…even though I was not sure but either she got killed or was subjected to human trafficking…either way, I was staying away. I sat in the bar for an hour and then head back to my suite. I unlocked the door and walked in. Jane looked clean and had changed her clothes, she took a shower
Me:” hey” I said that putting the keys on the table
Jane:” uhm…I am so embarrassed, I am sorry about what I did Munei and thank you for not agreeing” I smiled realising that she looked better than she was
Me:” it’s okay, you are going through a rough patch and I don’t mind being here for you”
Jane:” thank you….and I will get myself a room” I shook my head, even though we were not going to have sex, I wanted her here with me
Me:” no love, I want you here with me okay? “
Jane:” thank you, I will have to tell my parents that I am moving out and will be staying in a hotel for a while, they can’t know that I am staying with a boy though, they would freak out” I smiled
Me:” if my daughter is as beautiful as you I would also freak out” I said with a smile but suddenly stopped smiling when I realised that I’ve just said something about myself and a daughter in one sentence. Did I want kids? It was bad enough that I was going to live with this girl in here, I didn’t have to start thinking about kids, that was just too much
Jane:” I guess so”
Me:” so your parents won’t wonder where you are getting the money for the hotel?” I smiled
Jane:” let’s just say you are not the only one who can afford a good life” I smiled and shook my head
THREE WEEKS LATER
JANE
I can’t even begin to explain how eventful the previous three weeks had been. I had been with Munei for a full month now and it was a very eventful month. I had done more firsts in this one month than I had done all my life. Muneiwa seemed happy to have me and I was happy to be with him too…well, I think I was more than happy. As happy as I was, the assignment was still my first priority. So Muneiwa was going to school twice a week and during those days I’d drive back to the hotel from school to see if I can gather something about him. I went through his stuff and I managed to gather few details about Muneiwa’s organisation….like who his boss or supervisor is….I don’t know if that Duke guy was the boss but he was the person that Munei was constantly in contact with. And then there were technicians as well. As it turned out, Munei didn’t do much himself, there were people who were busy sending him information about who to take out or who to torture….his role was only to assassinate or torture. I managed to get few email addresses of people he was working with and send them to Zach and he said he would use them to track the guys. Tracking them became a challenge because their emails were highly protected and not easy to track or crack so I had to find more useful information. Zach was happy with my progress so far and I was happy that he was happy because it only meant that I was safe. I hadn’t been to Thembisa ever since the little episode and never planned on going that side in fear of what Zach might think.
Apart from my progress with the assignment…I was having the time of my life with Munei and the longer we lived together the longer I hated myself for the fact that I was going to betray him at the end. We drove around Gauteng as he was showing me around, we went to the movies, went to other hotels, went to expensive restaurants, went clubbing together, did ice skating, went to resorts and nature reserves and explore….we literally spent most of our time together and every second I spent with him was special. Everything was perfect and even though we were staying together we never had sex and I guess that brought us even more close to each other because we spent more time talking and laughing than in bed having sex.
MUNEIWA
It’s been a month ever since I met Jane and it sure felt like five years. She had managed to change every aspect of my life without even trying. She filled holes in my life I never knew existed. She made me happier than I was. I never thought I needed a companion until she came to my life and as much as I was nervous about her moving in with me to my suite….i had grown to love and enjoy it and unlike how it used to be in the past, now I looked forward to my evenings because I know I would spend them with her. I looked forward to dinner every evening because I knew we would go eat somewhere together. She had turned something as simple as watching a movie into a big special event…she managed to change my mornings into something to look forward to because I know she was the first person I see. So to sum everything up….i was happy.
Work-wise, everything was going well. I only had one trip ever since I met Jane. It wasn’t for me to kill anyone but to teach someone a lesson and to get them to give me information I needed from them. I was good at that too…spilling blood and making someone talk was also my speciality. Even though Duke wasn’t happy with me being consumed by Jane, he could see that there was no change in my cooperation and loyalty to the organisation. Plus he said he was giving me two months with the girl so that I can take my decision and so far everything seemed perfect….i was definitely going to end up opening up to Jane and hope that she accept me as I was.
It was Friday and I woke up and went to Wits while she went to school. I came back to the hotel at around six in the evening. I was excited to see her and go have dinner. I got to the room and unlocked and then opened the door. Since I was one of the biggest clients in the hotel, I was given a spare key so I had one key and Jane had one as well. I stood at the door and battled to move when I noticed what was happening
Jane:” Hi” she smiled shyly
Me:” uhm…Jane?” Jane was lying on the bed looking all sexy. She was wearing a sexy lingerie and damn she looked hot
Me:” uhm…” I ran out of words
Jane:” it’s been a month” she said that and sat on her knees…f*** my slender little girl looked so f****g sexy
Me:” I know”
Jane:” and you were faithful for a full month” I smiled
Me:” because I promised you”
Jane:” well, it’s about time you get a reward” okay she was in some black and red sexy leather lingerie and she looked like a damn goddess
Me:” Jane you look so beautiful…so lovely…so sexy” she smiled and blinked several times
Jane:” all for you” I put my laptop bag on the floor and stood with my back against the door and just enjoyed the view. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow
Me:” let me enjoy the view first” I said that breathing hard…she was so appetising. I finally regained my strength and walked to her.
Jane:” can I ask you one thing?”
Me:” yes” I nodded while looking into her eyes
JANE
I looked at him and decided to tell him something I had been wanting since I moved in here. I wanted him to have sex with me differently from how I had always done it. I had either been raped or had sex to please a man so I never got to enjoy it and I was scared that if I got on top or get to lead the whole thing then I would lose interest and start hating him like I had done all the other men. I wanted it to be special and different from all the other sexual encounters. I wanted Muneiwa to do everything and not have me do all the work; I just wanted to relax while he mad me happy
Me:” I am all yours tonight Munei…I want you to do me whichever way you want…I won’t ride you or anything like that…I want you to make me happy, to prove to me that sex can be enjoyed” he looked deep into my eyes
Munei:” anything you want Jane” I breathed and then relaxed. I leaked my lower lip and breathed heavily. He took my hand and pulled me to him. He was standing on the floor and I was on the bed and standing on my knees
Munei:” I am nervous” he whispered and leaked his lower lip too
Me:” me and you both” I whispered back. He cupped my face
Munei:” I don’t want to lose what we have”
Me:” same here” he said that and kissed me gently
HOLLOW HEARTS
Chapter 15
JANE
Slow motion…everything was in slow motion…for several minutes I felt like it was just me and him in this universe. I savoured every touch from his hands and every kiss from his lips. He touched me everywhere and he kissed me everywhere. His touch and his kisses sent chills down my spine and I couldn’t help the goose bumps that accompanied the chills. Not once, not once in my young horrifying dark life as a sex slave had I ever felt that terrific. I never thought that that level of pleasure really exists. I laid on the bed with my head on Muneiwa’s chest and his hand holding me closer to him. This was after our first round. My heart was beating fast and I was still a little bit disoriented from the event that just took place. I was on another level of excitement…I can’t even explain how I was feeling and before I knew it tears started falling. They were not the usual tears that I had previously shed in my life. These were tears of joy and tears of outmost pleasure. A tear drop fell on Muneiwa’s chest and he was forced to look at me…he removed my head from his chest and looked at my face. I quickly tried to wipe the tears off
Munei:” love what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” the panic on his voice couldn’t be hidden. I quickly shook my head and sat up in front of him…he also sat up
Munei:” then what’s wrong? You don’t want me? What is it?” he said that cupping my face and looking at me as if I got injured or something
Me:” it’s not you…well it is you” f*** I was confused…that’s what good sex can do to you I guess
Munei:”f*** I knew I will ruin everything” he said that letting me go and getting out of bed.
Munei:” what did I do wrong?” he looked like he wanted to cry
Me:” no no no no it’s not that…you….you….you did everything right….soo right….like so perfect” I said that with a river of tears. Muneiwa was shocked and I saw a weak smile slowly creeping in on his face
Munei:” you mean that?”I nodded
Me:” yes” he looked at me and smiled with his hands on his hips…he was still naked at this point
Munei:” then why are you crying?”
Me:” Because I’ve never been this happy in my life” I said that and sobbed. Muneiwa quickly came to me and pulled me to him for a hug.
I had been crying a lot ever since I met Muneiwa and I was crying for all the silly crazy fucked up Barbie-like reasons. I had been extremely hurt in my life and as a result I became immune to pain and I never cried so much anymore. I used to brace myself for whatever pain I would be subjected to and took it like a strong young woman I was because I knew that this was my fate, I knew that there was no running away and I also knew that crying was a sign of weakness and I didn’t want to believe that I was weak…plus crying gave too much power to my oppressors. But then ever since I met Muneiwa I’d been crying almost every day for all the silly reasons, it really didn’t make sense, I was never a cry baby
Munei:” shhhh my sweet little thing it’s okay....it’s not just you, it’s you and me both” I held on to him even tighter.
There was something about how safe I felt when I was in his arms. I could close my eyes and pretend for a second that life was actually normal but then opening my eyes again was a reminder that normal was something I could never ever afford. It made me feel like a toddler standing outside a candy shop with fancy toys and clothes and looking through the window as others buy as much candy as they want. No matter how fancy my toys were, they were never going to change into candys and I was never going to be able to indulge in them and feel the taste of a candy. I was an outsider looking through a window and no matter how much I tried…normal was a luxury I could never afford.
Me:” I’ve been raped….like repeatedly raped” I found myself rumbling
I don’t know why but I just felt like telling Muneiwa about the rape. Even though I wasn’t going to tell him the full story. I wanted him to know how special this day was and what it meant to me…I wanted him to know that he was the only man to ever made love to me like this. As soon as I told him about the rape his body stiffened and he broke the hug and looked at me with nothing but terror on his face. For a second I felt like he was going to leave me
Munei:” what?” I couldn’t repeat the words so I stopped crying and just looked on the bed
Munei:” f*** come here….i am so sorry” he pulled me to him again and hugged me…I rested my head on his chest and knew that I was home
Munei:” who hurt you?” he was pissed, I could sense it…the way he talked and how his body stiffened and how he was breathing told me that he was angry
Me:” no one who is still alive” I felt his body relaxing, I couldn’t tell him that Terry who Muneiwa thought was my father was also one of the men who had been having fun with my body for years.
Munei:” I am so sorry okay? Is that what you meant when you said you’ve never been on a date but you’re not a virgin?” I nodded
Munei:” f*** I am so sorry, I promise not to hurt you”
Me:” I’ve never felt this way before…never been loved like this or made to enjoy sex this much…Muneiwa I don’t want this to ever end” I sobbed in his arms knowing that I was going to be the end of it. Precisely I was going to end him.
Munei:” my sweet little thing… I won’t leave you and I will make it my life mission to make you happy okay?” he said that and broke the hug and looked at me.
I couldn’t look at him because somehow I felt like he could see right through me. I never had a problem lying to men before, I never had a problem telling them what they wanted to hear but with Muneiwa it was hard…every little second I spent lying to him was pure extreme torture.
Me:” okay” I whispered looking at him.
F*** i was totally out of control…I looked at him as we sat on the bed and knew that killing him was no option, I couldn’t possibly do it to him…
Me:” uhm…I need a bathroom”
I didn’t look at him another second so I ran to the bathroom. I closed the door and stood against it and looked up on the ceiling with my hands covering my mouth. I couldn’t believe that this was happening, I couldn’t kill him…I couldn’t bring myself to kill someone who loves me this much….someone who made me feel this good. I started pacing in the bathroom with my body shivering and tears coming out. I wanted a way out but then there was no way out. Zach was going to kill my parents if I messed up. I didn’t know what to do…I thought of telling Muneiwa but then wouldn’t that change everything? Zach could find out and kill us both or kill Muneiwa and my family while I watch. I couldn’t risk it, plus Muneiwa had his own bosses too, how sure could I be that they would let him be? I washed my face on the basin and then wiped my face and walked out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom. Muneiwa was sitting on the bed wearing his underwear. God, one look at him and my body released the juices
Muneiwa:” I want to know more about….uhm….w….what happened to you?” he stood up and walked towards me…ahg no not this
Me:” I’d rather not talk about it please” I took his boxer from the floor and wore it
Muneiwa:” but I wish I could do something about it…your parents knows?” I took his t shirt and wore it too
Me:” Muneiwa please”
Muneiwa:” okay my sweet little thing, I will let it go” I frowned
Me:” why are you calling me ‘sweet little thing’? Am I thing? And worse…little?” I said that and sat on the bed. Muneiwa came and sat next to me and took my hands
Muneiwa:” you wanna know why I call you that?” my mind went all woozy, Muneiwa was enough to make me feel drunk without any alcohol consumption
Me:” yeah”
Muneiwa:” because you really are sweet” I frowned, sweet? I never thought of myself as sweet. He swallowed and then looked at the space and then back at me
Muneiwa:” you are my sweet little thing because you make me feel things I never felt before Jane…I’ve had sex with various women on different occasions, I’ve done threesomes and foursomes with women from all corners of South Africa but nothing surpasses this…nothing beats what I felt when I was with you. I …I was happy….like really happy, sex with you was magical and different from all the other sexual encounters I have had. You took me by storms and occupied my thoughts and soul…all I want right now is for you to be happy…I feel like I wanna live to please you. It’s sweet for you to be able to make me feel this human and this normal….you are the thing that changed my f***** life…you are the thing that opened my eyes Jane…you changed me, you made me to be the better version of myself…the version I never thought existed. You have a small body and that’s why I call you little. I call you sweet because you are sweet and I call you thing because you are the thing that changed the deal for me….my sweet little thing” as if everything that happened wasn’t enough…I couldn’t believe that this was happening, I couldn’t believe that he gave me that speech…I couldn’t believe that ‘I, Ayanda heartless-assassin sluty-bitch-of-the-decade fake-Jane Sokhulu’ was sitting on ‘Muneiwa the all powerful solitary assassin Makungo’s’ thrown
Me:” Muneiwa?” it was as if the more I spent time with him the more I liked him and the more he surprised me and the more he made me happy
Muneiwa:” I am in love” I looked at him with my eyes wide open…ow no he didn’t say the L word did he? I was in denial
Me:” what?”
Muneiwa:” yeah….f***…yeah…uhm I think I am in love…well I know I am” I just looked at him and failed to move or to say another word
Muneiwa:” I love you Jane”
Me:” ow my God” I said putting my hands on my head and rolling my eyes…I was totally defeated…love? He loved me? Like for real? Fuck no, nobody loves me…nobody could love all of the s*** that I was…yeah I said it…I was a shity little thing….Muneiwa quickly got up and went to the wardrobe
Me:” Muneiwa what’s happening? What are you doing?” I got up and followed him…my head was buzzing
Mune:” what I feel is dangerous Jane and I can’t drag it for longer than it should so I want to tell you who and what I am so that you can then take a decision from then on” I frowned pretending not to know what he was talking about. I knew what he was talking about but I just never thought he would do what he was about to do. He opened his safe
Me:” Muneiwa what are you talking about?”
Mune:” hang on a minute” he took out few envelopes and then closed the safe and took out all the papers that were inside and threw them on the bed
Me:” what’s this?”
Mune:”this is me…this is who and what I truly am” he swallowed
Me:” I am not following” he stood in the middle of the room and I sat on the bed
Mune:” I am not who and what you think” ow my God this can’t be happening now, I wasn’t ready to hear everything about him yet…I wasn’t ready for him to tell me everything about himself because I wasn’t sure of what I was going to do…I wasn’t sure if I was gonna have to give the info to Zach because I wanted us to last a bit longer
Me:” what do you mean?” he swallowed
MUNEIWA
It was a stupid move….it was a dumb stupid move that could get me killed and I knew it but then after having sex with Jane I just felt like somehow we belonged together, like she really belonged to me and my feelings for her were multiplied. So I had to know now if she would stick around or not….i couldn’t wait for two months because finding out that she is leaving me after two months was going to kill me. I wanted to tell her everything now so that she could make her choice now. I was in love and I was certain about that and after what I witnessed with Jane I felt like she felt the same but I couldn’t really be certain whether we had a future or not if she didn’t know the truth about me so I had to come clean about who I was. I looked at her as she was sitting on the bed waiting for me to tell her whatever it is I wanted to say and felt nervous. I don’t think I had ever been that nervous in my entire life…losing Jane felt like a near death experience.
Me:” I did said I love you right?”
Jane:” you’ve said it four times already and it’s really scaring me because no one has ever said that s*** to me…no one…except my parents of course”
Me:” uhm I am not a fucking stupid nerd Jane…I am not studying for my PHD…I don’t even have a bloody degree”
Jane:” huh?” I pretended to be surprised
Me:” I trained at the military after I was recruited and was promised good money but then Instead of becoming a soldier I became something else” she looked at me like I was crazy…more like she knew what I was going to say and knew that it was a dumb move…but then she didn’t, I guess she just had too many questions
Jane:” Munei you are not making sense”
Munei:” I love you and I want a life with you”
Jane:” I am totally confused”
Munei:” I work for the government love….for the secret government organisation called The PR” she swallowed…I started sweating as I realised that this could either be my ticket to the life I wanted with her or the ticket to the death I so stupidly applied from Duke.
JANE
He told me everything…he told me every fucking sordid details about his life…he was pacing and sweating as he talked. Most of the things he told me I already knew but then he also gave me the information I didn’t know…the crucial information that made me fly all the way to South Africa, information that after being given to the right people then it would be his ticket to death. I had his death ticket on my hand. While he was sweating and rumbling further I just sat on the bed frozen in the moment…I was contemplating my plans….what to do next with the information I had at hand. I felt something about Muneiwa, I wasn’t sure if it was love but I sure felt something for him and I enjoyed his company so I didn’t know if I was ready to let it all go and if life could still be possible after experiencing something of this magnitude. My hands were tied….not giving the information to the right people was the risk that was going to cost my family everything they owned…from their cockroaches to the owner of the house. I didn’t want them to lose their heads because I was stupid enough to want to feel normal for a little longer.
Munei:” so?”
Me:” huh?”
Munei:” you’re not going to say anything?” he was shaking…like literally shaking
I looked at him and blinked….is this the part where I kill him and flee? I looked around his room for a weapon that could kill him….i remembered the gun at the safe….i then looked at the vase of flowers on the bedside table, I remembered the toothbrushes in the bathroom and the mirror in the room, all the things I mentioned could be made into life-ending weapons…I looked at him once more and felt my heart racing….’I am so sorry Muneiwa’ my inner person said….as hard as it was…I knew where my bread was buttered
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